2002-07-17 - 3:41 p.m.

Farewell DrkVlntn

Today I got some sad news, a girl I knew from both the clubs and the playgroup I was active in died in a motorcycle accident in Arizona on Saturday. First, I�ll repeat what others are publicly saying about her, she was fun to be around, easy going, had a great sense of humor, and was very thoughtful of her friends. It bothers me to think that she is no longer around, even if I rarely saw her and never spent time with her besides at clubs or parties where people were half dressed (if that).

Now here is where I�ll sound like an asshole

Of course nobody is going to say anything but nice things in public. And I think people are going to only say nice things in mostly private. But I want to focus on how I remember her (and I�m going to be honest):

When I first met her she was fun, but she was very touchy feely. There is nothing wrong with that, but the problem is that it took me a few years to honestly begin to get assertive. For example, early in my club going days (which weren�t that long ago) a decent looking woman with shit for breath (literally she smelled like shit) grabbed my collar and said, "Cute, I think I�ll bring you home." I felt fairly helpless, but repulsed. If not for another friend (also a woman) coming up and saying, "[Contour] is that the song you talked about?" and dragging me away I would have been forced to find some white lie to get away from her. Thank you friend, she knew I was repulsed and acted quickly, but the fact remains that while I like assertive women, there is a fine line between assertive and pushy, and this shit-breathed woman was being too pushy. I felt trapped, and at the time hadn�t learned that telling people NO is not that hard.

DrkVlntn was kinda the same way. She was pretty attractive, attententive, and constantly told me how good I looked (she also offered me blow jobs every time I saw her and after the first few refusals on my part started tempting me with other women involved too � and she wasn�t a slut, as she didn�t to my knowledge hit on that many guys), but she was hitting that borderline to me. When I went to dance clubs, it was to dance for hours, and talk to friends a bit. She would grab me (which I didn�t mind that � hell I miss it already), but she would look hurt when I wanted to dance again.

This continued for about 9 months or so until I finally worked up the courage to tell her just that she was sexy, that I love the attention, and cuddling was fun too, but that when I went to dance clubs that I really wanted to dance. This is the best part � she smiled, said she understood, and still gave me attention, but more on my terms.

I think one of the best compliments you can tell a person is that something they did made you grow as a person. DrkVnltn helped me realize that sometimes you can say what you feel and other people will understand.

Maybe the part that makes me an asshole though is I also do wonder about the sex part � she made it clear that whenever she didn�t have a boyfriend that the offer was there. I respect her so much for this too, because she said that she would never have sex with somebody else if her boyfriend would be hurt by it, and at those times I was more comfortable with her, because she wasn�t grabbing my ass, crotch, or herself around me � I guess we just seemed more like friends and most importantly, I wish that my girlfriend would have toned down her sluthood for my benefit and never gave a second thought about my feelings. In a sense, by watching DrkVnltn I realized that I deserved better. It is true that in open relationships that people need the freedom to flirt frequently (and I do mean frequently). But there still are rules and respect. DrkVnltn balanced that.

Though there is something else that she did that made me neverous � she complimented me almost too much. Others have done the same thing, and I try not to hold it against them, but I can�t wonder if they are doing it to make me feel better or if they are hoping I will tell them how sexy they are. The truth is that I might make mouse-like noises while having sex, I�m not one of those guys that likes to talk while having sex or even making out. I don�t want to tell a woman how beautiful she is, nor do I really want to hear it. I have giggled during sex � more than once. The bottom line is sex is a physical act to me, but what I want to hear is that somebody likes � no loves me for who I am, not what. I don�t less about how a person looks than how they think and behave, and I seek the same thing.

I�m sad that she died, even though she only recent was making it to the Bay Area once every few months (if that).

To be continued �

LISTENING TO: Gridlock Further

-=-

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