2002-05-14 - 9:48 a.m.

Listening to Call

I regularly read a goth email list in the Bay Area, but there are some times that I find many of the people who regularly post to that list to be a bit one-dimensional. Most of these people I�ve met at clubs or gatherings in the city, but it is fair to say I really don�t know much about most of them. Other than the fact that they like to do things like going to clubs. But I�d like to know them better.

But what is bothering me right now is how a few of them have this attitude that everybody should show up to nightclubs and support the scene. What they don�t understand is that right now, physical activity is painful for me. I can say this, but unless you�ve had chronic pain for such an extended duration, it doesn�t really sit. I�m sure of this, because until I had this problem, I know I didn�t understand.

There is a sick part of me that wishes that everybody else in the world would have a year or two of their life robbed early on for something similar to this. It is funny, but with massive amounts of pain you learn to choose your battles. I also feel like I have a bit more insight into others who�ve had chronic health problems. And I think people would treat each other with a bit more respect.

I should be getting excited about the new Star Wars film that comes out this week, but the thought of sitting for the first time in a theatre either in massive pain or on serious painkillers isn�t settling well with me.

I can make it all stop. The pain, this nightmare, that is all I can offer you.

When I was watching Alien Resurrection a few weeks ago, I did a double take when Ripley said, "You�re all going to die." And I doubled over a second time when Call said, "I can make it all stop." These voice samples were used by Wumpscut on Bleed in Silence. It is chilling to make connections between movie samples and music you already liked.

Redwood then pointed me to a web page where movie samples in industrial music are listed.

The reality of my situation isn�t that I�ve given up on the scene, and any jackass who is going to suggest that needs to experience my pain. But I�m slowly learning that while I can�t dance and can barely move, I still have lots to offer. I see myself going through my own music collection and making contributions to the Movie Sample page. I already noticed that Dust of Basement�s samples from 2010 aren�t included, nor Solitary Experiment�s Empire Strikes Back.

But it still bugs me that some people assume that if you aren�t in a wheel chair, that you aren�t effectively handicapped. But I can�t dance, lift heavy objects, run, climb things, bounce � I simply have limited mobility coupled with days of pain. This is the best I can do.

I did call and schedule an appointment with a non-Kaiser urologist. It will cost me between $200 and $500 for a single appointment, and while I do see the possibility of a life reading and writing, I�d like to have the freedom to move.

That is what this is about. I lost a big part of my freedom, and for only a stupid random reason � a virus. I�ve accepted that life isn�t fair, but the question that remains is can I control my own bitterness and be fair to others? Goths are such drama queens. I do hear some of them complaining about things emotional, and there is a part of me that wants to grab them and ask them, do you feel like physically removing parts of your body? Do you honestly think death would be something of a release because your body just doesn�t work? I do. But �

What makes you think I would let you do that?

While these thoughts are present in my mind, there is no way I�m going to end this pain and nightmare. That doesn�t change the fact that I do think about what it would be like to not worry at all.

I�ve sought medical help and they turned me away. But why is it I still feel sorry for the people whom have their hands stapled to their foreheads? Why can I still have compassion for people whom really are healthy, whom have the simple freedom from physical pain? Why do I have guilt when I snap at people, when I know my anger isn�t directed at individuals, but is caused because my insides are still knotted up. This experience would be far easier if I didn�t have that guilt or compassion, but perhaps that is also where my strength to endure out the next 5 to 17 months of pain is coming from.

LISTENING TO: :Wumpscut: Wreath of Barbs

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