2002-04-09 - 10:50 a.m.

Little Set Backs

Well, what to say. The pain is back and in force. I�m frustrated, found some mistakes in the report I�m writing, and I don�t know how many others are hiding or went overlooked.

Here is the dilemma. Redwood, who has been reading both an email list I�m on and Minmei�s diary, told me this morning that I went over the top and posted something that was nothing better than a cheap shot at my ex on this email list that she isn�t subscribed to. Now many of her friends do read the list, and apparently they read my posts. I didn�t mention her by name, but it was enough that they knew that when I talk about a generic ex they assume it is her (they are usually right too, my other ex�s I�ve not talked to in years). I�m not sure what Minmei wrote in her diary about me, but Redwood implied that she is pissed at me and doesn�t give a fuck anymore.

I actually believe this. She was halfway to hating me already (I�m remembering all the times she ignored me and treated me with disrespect). The irony is that last Fall she wished that I would just disappear and leave the Bay Area. Now I wouldn�t do that for her, but fate would have it that this is effectively what has happened to me. I wonder if she really is happy that I�m physically unable to do the one thing that I really enjoy: dancing.

But her anger at me is her problem not mine. My physical condition has made me hard to deal with. I snap at people and I never did that before. I don�t really have the strength to do much, so I feel like dead weight. Enter depression.

I�m very concerned all but my closest friends have lost interest in me. I wonder how many people believe me. I�ve even considered the possibility that this diary has become incredibly boring to read (if people believe me).

But then I remembered that this diary really isn�t about diary rings, number of entries, or even regular readers. I�m flattered that a few people take an interest in the way I see things. No, I�m honored. But that said, I have to be able to write without worrying about the risk of disappointing or offending people who are not me. Redwood included (he reads this diary).

I�m grappling with a physical fight for comfort (and now read that there likely will be lasting damage to the point that I will be less likely to father children), but on a more personal note I�m also wondering if I need to lock my diary. The reason I can see that I shouldn�t is that I find something useful to me in seeing other people�s not-so-censored thoughts. If anything, maybe my POV will someday help somebody understand why people like music, dancing, small toys, talking long walks, etc.

I guess I�m sad that Minmei (1) didn�t directly contact me, and (2) totally gave up on me. I�m sad that I�ve actually loved somebody who couldn�t return my feelings. But some people would say that Minmei is a condescending name for a person. I disagree. The character Minmei really didn�t bother herself with complex political thoughts, and if you pay close attention to her, she does care about people � but in a way very different than most people�s. She didn�t want to be rich and famous, but she did like lots of attention. I think of her being young / playful and unfocused. It isn�t that people should hold onto their youth. It is something that should never leave, as it is a part of them. My pain would have been much worse if I didn�t have a few LEGO ships to stare at and imagine what the little LEGO people will build next. The difference between holding onto something and simply having it is: Is playful fulfilling or not. I think in both the real and my Minmei�s cases it was real.

When I was reading her diary she wrote that I would turn out to be an unhappy person. Though at the time I think she was just lashing out at her unresolved feelings towards me (as I stopped loving her as much as she stopped loving me), her warning really makes me wonder if my pain hasn�t alienated people.

Reading over old entries, I can clearly see how important Redwood and Cricket have been in my life. I�ve given up any hope of ever really being able to talk to Minmei much less have either of us respect the other. I dislike her as much as she dislikes me. But I�m worried now about what I�ve done to push my other friends away.

Can somebody who never has been in this much physical pain understand how this changes a person? Can somebody who has, but found a different way to deal with the pain forgive a person for being an asshole?

To Be Continued �

LISTENING TO: Peter Koppes Love Era / Irony

-=-

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