2002-03-22 - 11:06 p.m.

Handicapped Feeling

It is funny that Minmei once talked about how I was like a little boy out to save the world. There are some things she just could nail dead on (this is ultimately what I saw in her that I was attracted to). The pain is nearly constantly and isn't getting better. I just don't know what I can do.

I am glad that Bronco, Cloud, and Redwood are stopping by frequently. This has got to be hard on them, as I can't focus. Pain will do that to you. Currently I've taken to pulling out hairs, it distracts me.

My grandmother is getting better, but I can't help but feel very sorry for myself. I can't really do anything. The quality of my life is changed and into something I don't want. But worse, I now have to depend upon people.

When I've seen people in wheelchairs or blind people, I usually want to help them. For some time I've known that many handicapped people are offended or hurt by this offer of assistance. Now I totally understand why.

I don't want help. It is true that I've understated the extent of my pain to my doctors, family, and friends. I'd be at work if I could physically bear it, but I can't. And then there is the Tylenol. If I take the pill, I fall asleep, only to wake in extreme pain hours later. It is as if my body is shocked when the pain returns.

I'm not thinking about killing myself, but I have thought, if I die tonight in my sleep, I've had a good run, good friends, good times, and it just won't hurt anymore. I'd much rather die here in my apartment than in a strange hospital room.

Years ago when I was in Norway I observed that the cemeteries were located right next to the hospitals. I told my hosts, "You know, this really doesn't instill confidence in me." Of course they laughed, but I've never liked hospitals. Though I'm in pain, I'd rather be here.

If Minmei were around, I know what I'm going through would tear us apart. Another of her better sides was she was even more stubborn than me.

LISTENING TO: VNV Nation Futureperfect

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