2002-02-05 - 9:56 p.m.

Couldn't let Halloween Go By �

But I did. I made one of the biggest mistakes of my life this fall, and bits and pieces of it have come out here. If my New Years resolution were pit of mud, I'd but up to my ears in it now.

I emailed my ex one last time hoping to ask her to give me some space at the clubs. I didn't expect her to agree, but I felt she has several boyfriends who she can spend quality time with, and I don't have any girlfriends. She agreed, but I realized that I've been holding out hope that she'd say, "Gee [Contour]! I can't believe I treated you this way, I never wanted to hurt you nor risk our relationship."

That is fantasy speaking. The reality is Halloween was one of our special holidays. She told me that she couldn't bear Halloween this year without me, though she did wear the costume idea I came up with for her.

We used to have this thing where she'd call me Happy Bunny [Contour]. The silly thing is, I liked to hear her say that. Basically when we did things together they were a blast, but it was the times between that sucked.

Back in early September (before Sep. 11) I saw a Halloween card that just reminded me perfectly of her. It has a picture of a witch mouse with a bag of candy and sticking a Halloween card into a mailbox. It was so far from spooky, probably a 10 on the cute scale.

As an aside here I should point out that my mom and my ex were the only two people that really knew just how much I like furry little rodents. So for years my mom would buy me Halloween cards with rabbits (they aren't bunnies if you are a guy) and rats (mice are for little kids). ;) This card looked exactly like something my mom would have bought me.

�without a note to tell you "Hi!"

Why didn't I do this? :( I bought the card for her. I pulled it out tonight while sorting through my desk and it still makes me think of her. In fact, it made me cry.

The hard part of this is it is too late now. I said I'm sorry to her, but she walked away (though said she was glad I tried to talk to her). But second thoughts are running through my head, that if I had actually recognized her love for me (yes, I now believe she even loved me in Oct.) that I could have sent this card to her. It would have meant a lot to her, and well � things would have been different.

Basically I was sitting on the fence and didn't do it. Now I've just put the card in a box with all the letters she ever wrote me. I'm going to be sad for some time, but things are too late now. I screwed up, but I don't intend to let another lover down like this again.

LISTENING TO: the Church Remote Luxury

-=-

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