2001-11-07 - 11:26 a.m.

Unethical Slut

I'm pretty upset today. Last night when I got home from work I sat down and decided to catch up on old emails. Some of them were good, including a fun one relating dancing to fucking. Included in that list of emails was one I was putting off replying to. After Halloween my ex-girlfriend had emailed me to tell me all the parties and clubs she'd be going to in November. I don't want to guess why she felt compelled to do this, but I don't like the feeling that she is checking up on me (her words too).

I careful responded, but I also addressed a comment from her that I thought was out of place, "I heard you were cold to people". The DJ she dumped me for was at the Halloween party. The guy would never pay me the time of day if she was around, but whenever she was gone, it was like I was his friend. Anyway, he came up to me. I ignored him. The guy had no job, no home, and plenty of time to spend with her while I was working and dating her. I would have thought that he would have backed off her the few times I had with her when she and I were dating. Nope, it always was about his immediate needs first.

The truth is he wasn't really a good friend. And she was an unfaithful girlfriend. Being a slut is OK in my book, but being an unethical slut is a problem with me. And respecting your lover's feelings is part of being ethical. She is reckless, and honestly doesn't stop to think about other people.

Her email went on to describe my problem: being emotional. I'm sorry, but I actually care about people when I say I love them. I know it will be a long time before I kiss another woman with Crimson around, because she said it makes her feel uncomfortable. Seriously, how hard is it to take PDAs to private places or not go down on somebody for 12 hours because you want to give respect to somebody you claim to care about? How hard is it? I kept asking her that, and she'd just get mad. Forgive me for asking you to put off for a few hours something you have an entire summer to do.

So she went on in her email to explain that I'm "vulnerable" because I am fairly open about my emotions; also because I care about other people. So what is the lesson? Be dishonest and don't care about people? That sounds like a terrible way to live. In fact, it sounds like living in fear.

Ex-girlfriend, the minute you broke your last promise to me, you really honestly lost the right to judge me. You can certainly hold the opinion that I'm vulnerable because I'm an idealist. But I really think you have as much right offering your opinion to me, as you do finding a total stranger on the street and telling them how to think and behave. I might listen to you someday, but only when you've learned to respect other people (and I don't see any evidence of that at all). And even then, I'd be a fool to ever trust you again.

P.S. What is so strange about all this, is a third party told me she did care. The question then is why didn't she ever tell me herself or actually do something about it? When you ignore somebody for two months, of course they are going to think you are an insensitive monster.

LISTENING TO: Depeche Mode's Music for the Masses

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