2001-09-07 - 11:09 a.m.

Deleted Note

OK, this is my second entry today ... but something is still bugging me.

I wrote a long "Dear Jane" email today for somebody, but before sending it I talked to Redwood. Somehow he convinced me to not send it. It was a simple question: "What do you really want?"

To be happy. Nothing more. No drama. No fighting. No stress. I see only good things in other relationships, and I'm tired of being the slave so to speak.

I can't handle the drama anymore, but I also don't want to hurt anybody's feelings. I can't sit around and see her spend all her fun time and talk about her other wonderful relationships and deal with what I find hurtful. I don't want to make what is a bad situation worse.

Why can't people just stop talking to each other? Go their own way? Is it because I still want to consider this woman my friend? And if so why? I obviously still care about her, but again: why?

I'll spend the next few weeks seeing if I really still care for her or if I my feelings have totally changed. I hope they have, but the fact that I'm still obsessing about this means there is some feelings left. It would be easier.

So I sent the email to myself, where it will stay forever. And I've decided I'll just ignore the problem. I wish I could express myself more in this diary, because frankly it helps.

If I just distance myself nobody's feelings will be hurt. I'll continue to be polite, but distant. Less affectionate and less helpful. Is it possible to purposefully not act on your feelings in order to make somebody care about you less?

So I guess that means I will not be attending the Gothnic in Golden Gate Park tomorrow. That is OK, I want to shuttle Cricket around some more. This weekend is her time.

-=-

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