2001-08-20 - 11:00 p.m.

Skinny Dipping

All my years I've never skinny dipped. OK, once when I was dating Spring we were naked in a hot tub, but that hardly counts. I've never been in the water naked with somebody who wasn't my girlfriend. Friday Spring (who is not my girlfriend anymore) came over to my folks, I obviously took the day off from work, and we skinny dipped in their pool.

It was a lot of fun. No sexy. In fact, we weren't even cuddling or really into fooling around. It was just about swimming. OK so she teased me a lot, and I teased her.

But I recommend if you haven't skinny dipped, to try it sometime, with somebody whom you aren't sleeping with. It is pretty liberating.

Later Friday night Shell's hosted a performance at her folk's place. I guess it is her place too, but she doesn't seem to consider it home. That is because she just graduated from college and is ready to move out and get her own place and a job. She is in that transition place, and is having a hard time living under her parents' rules.

I can understand that. When I was in graduate school I had my own apartment for two years. Now I really didn't know anybody in California and was terribly shy and poor. My folks weren't paying for me, I was 22 and on my own mostly. So I ended up visiting them often.

Then when I was afraid I wouldn't have funding (graduate school paid for itself, my rent, food, and car), I moved back home. That was an extremely stressful time. I understand completely what Shells is going through.

The Concert

Shells is a talented musician. She played a few covers and then a few of her own pieces. Most of what she played was on the piano, accompanied by her singing along. Later she sang while some of her electronic music was played through her speaker system and computer setup (a mac actually) ... yup she uses a mac to do most of her composition. Then she finally played one song with electronics, vocals, and her cello.

God I love stringed instruments. It has been years since I played my violin, and I stopped because practicing was such a pain. But to hear the music from a cello again live was such a treat. I'm sad she only played one song.

After the concert, Shells, her boy, Spring, myself, and a few others all went skinny dipping. Again, I was in the pool with an ex-girlfriend and then a woman who had told me just 24 hours before that she wasn't going to fuck me anymore.

Security Blankets

Shells had told me just the day before (after promising all sorts of wonderful naked fooling around time) that she suddenly decided that she was all about monogomous relationships. In a way I was upset. It just seems I'm terrible at relationships ... they end before I feel they've started. I got the "I just want to be friends" email.

Whatever. I kinda downplayed it originally to Redwood and Spring. I really just don't want sympathy right now. And to be honest, after her calling a nice guy an asshole in front of my face (a bit of drama) just because he was being stupid ... stupid, not mean, kinda turned me off anyways.

OK, so I easily can say the best sex of my life was with her at first. But it was relationship free sex. It was before I really knew her, and I'm beginning to find that the chemistry in sex turns me off when girls get too pushy. At first Shells was about equality, but I started to see the signs of it not being true, and my old performance problems continued.

Actually when I say performance, it isn't like I couldn't get her to organism. That was fun and easy, but I'm kinda tired of sex where the focus isn't me. Shells asked and asked for oral sex, but never performed it on me. Then I realized that is frequently the case. :( Girls are picky about my taste, but they never stop for a second to think that they might taste too. Or maybe I should say, "Sorry, I just don't feel like it now."

Either way, I guess I'm actually kinda glad. I won't feel like I'm being asked to do something that I know deep down that I'm not going to receive ... and when a girl asks and asks for oral sex, you do get turned off when they don't treat you back.

I remember a woman I know once told me that true sex was lesbian sex. She explained that it was because both partners were equal and that male-female sex was all about the male just fucking the woman away while she sat back and relaxed. There could be nothing more wrong ... actually it just made me feel sad for her that her only good sexual experiences were with women. I don't have a problem with that, but I know for me my best experiences come with equality.

Ha, I was supposed to talk about skinny dipping and here I'm talking about sex. Well, it is a big deal with somebody who swears up and down that they are all about polyamourous life turns around in the course of one week and declares that she only wants to see you as a friend. And I have the feeling she still expects you to drive her around to clubs, coming late and leaving early. Just a feeling, but it is a strong one that bugs me too.

So while skinny dipping was fun, it was kinda weird too. Basically I was trying to keep my distance without looking like I was keeping my distance. I also wasn't too keen on spending the night at her place, even though Shells invited me and Spring to stay several times.

Why? Well, basically Shells was going to sleep with her new boyfriend (yes, they've know each other for some time), but I just hate always being put in second place the minute one of my lovers has another lover around. People who haven't been in this place can't really understand how important it is to sometimes feel as though your feelings and needs are more important than their other lovers. Not always, but sometimes.

This is fortunately something about polyamourous life that not everybody has to deal with. And again, I don't feel too sorry about it either. I mean, I could always not be in any relationships until I find somebody who really cares about me. Focus on them, and then work on opening that relationship. It really seems to work in my eyes. You get somebody whom you always know will be there for you, and yet when they aren't around, you can be with other people.

But on the other hand, I'm also looking forward to not being in a relationship or wanting one. My domme, Lashes, wants to play more, and since we both are busy, it is easier when I don't have any commitments. And then there is another switch, SA, whom has given me an open invite to play (and damn SA knows so many bi-sexual women whom got legs that fucking rock my world ... one of her female lovers picked me up and twirled me around, which was such a turn on ... I guess switches should warn their friends about submissive boys and what little things get them hard). Anyway, I like the fact that I can do things with SA too.

It is weird. I like this freedom to sleep with my dommes (and it is funny that switches of both genders are attracted to me, while pure tops don't show any interest at all), but I guess I'm a bit sad too. Not in the way it sounds. I don't mind that Shells decided that her friend of several years would make a better monogomous boyfriend. And she was very polite in telling me. But I'm actually a bit sad that she put up this big air of being big into poly-life and how much she loved to club and how much of a pervert she was, when in reality I just have this feeling she is just being experimental to say she has been.

But I've come up with a new way to deal about any frustrations when I feel like a friend is just wanting to hang out with me because their "primary" is otherwise occupied. I'll only do it when I feel like it. It sounds bad, but the biggest problem I have with use of "primary" relationships is that it really comes off as saying, "I'll do things with you, when so-and-so isn't around." I just don't appreciate that.

I can understand it, because naturally you will want to do more things with certain people. So I don't fault people for wanting that kind of relationship. But I also feel as that sort of relationship also carries greater responsibilities. For example, if you are a primary and your lover wants to complain about something that you may or may not agree with, I've always felt I needed to be supportive. Now as a friend I still am, but I also feel as if somebody's primary emotional support really should come from the person whom they feel is entitled to additional commitments above and beyond other people.

Some of my friends have told me over and over, that my sense of fairness just is unrealistic. And I do see their point. :( But I've recently learned that when you are in any relationship -- poly or otherwise, you still have to be assertive for your needs.

So with that in mind, when Shells called wanting a ride to the club Saturday night, I just didn't feel like I was obligated to drive her around. Oh, I'll carpool at times with her, but really was starting to feel like her call was, "Oh, look nobody is around, now I'll pay attention to you."

I also understand that I'm writing this, and maybe in a few months from now, I will think I was being silly. :) My entries from 2000 are pretty much that way. TRANSLATION: I do change my mind.

In retrospect, I'm sitting here thinking about relationship issues, but I'm not too sad about Shells deciding to cut out sex. It really was starting to get to that point were I felt like I was the giver, and I can't believe it, but she is higher maintance than I am!

Oh, I still want to hang out with her, but I'm also going to be very cautious and make sure that this doesn't turn into me driving her around, getting to clubs late and leaving early. That is my biggest fear. I also don't want to ignore my other friends (as well as be free to develop other relationships). :)

Positive Friday notes ... well, I'll write about them tomorrow. Friday still was a great day (and large part due to Spring).

-=-

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