2001-06-28 - 11:52 p.m.

Unbreakable

Wow. What a film! Redwood recently bought the DVD and brought it by to work today and insisted that I watch it. Now some of the films he likes, I just don't agree with at all. But this doesn't mean he doesn't have incredible tastes. It just happens that he likes lots of things.

But he also is very aware of the types of films and stories that I like. Actually I dare say he understands me probably better than anybody else I know (and that might not be a good thing).

Unbreakable was written or directed by M.Night Shyamalan, who wrote and directed the Sixth Sense. No wonder this movie moved me. In fact, there were a few points I was in tears.

Shyamalan seems to incorporate family themes and love into his/her stories (I have no idea who this person is, I just like whatever it is she/he does). And once again Bruce Willis is fantastic. I know he has been type cast into action types of flicks, but I challenge anybody of open minds to watch this film.

IMHO Willis plays a tragic or lost protagionist that isn't that far from the Bruce Wayne / Batman character in Burton's Batman films.

But it isn't Willis or the love theme that I like in Unbreakable. It is a suspense film, and I'm finding that these tend to have me crying when alone (which isn't a good thing). But while in the process of telling both stories (the Sixth Sense and Unbreakable) I find myself indentifying with the main characters. Perhaps to a fault.

In both cases the protagonists struggle against people who have problems that are in large part created by society. And when I look at both my work life and the lives of some of my friends, I certainly see and experience things that I consider to be larger problems that can be attributed to how we all treat each other.

I don't want to talk much more about the film, because I'll save that to talk to my friends when I see them next (hehehehe, I'm sure Redwood and I will be talking about this all day). And I have a bone to pick with that boy too! This is the second time he has given me a very mopey film while I was massively depressed. I am convinced he wants me to kill myself so he can claim all my CDs (all in good time Redwood, they will all be yours). ;)

Swan Song

While it is uncertain if I'll be offered a position at the water district in late July or need to find another job, work is not helping me pull out of my depression. Today I talked to Stompy about how I didn't get the position, so she could start assigning me long term projects.

I did managed to final bully one slacker of a co-worker into giving me the one stupid graph that had prevented me from turning in the first draft of the annual report I'm the editor and lead person on. Actually I'm quite proud of this year's report. Technically speaking it is on par with some of the older reports, but length wise as well as raw information and clarity I believe it is probably one of the strongest documents produced by my research group in the last 22 years.

In a very real way my job isn't as much about programming and development as my co-workers like Particle and Redwood, but it is all about building and maintaining a professional image for our group. This report will do just that.

And while working on this annual report, I've managed to squeeze in some time to nearly complete one of the most comprehensive write ups on a study I did in early May. This report is going to ROCK as well.

The more I look at things, the more I believe my talent lies outside of engineering.

Anyway, my talk with Stompy was sad. I can tell when I talk to her and her boss, that they both are very sad to know that I'm unhappy at work. They are trying to make me happy, but they just need to do more. With my ex-boss dickhead around and a few slackers milking the state for welfare I just get frustrated that all the hard work I do falls on deaf ears.

You Can't Save the World

I understand that. This isn't my goal. But like the main character in Unbreakable, I wake up in the morning and feel sad when I've not felt like I'm helping people. I know plenty of people who really think about their own needs and rarely focus on anything more than the present. I know this sounds negative, but that is because that way of thinking is just so alien to me. I'm always afraid that I could be this way too. Couch surf and just sort of let my life pass without giving something back.

I like to give something back in part because I know I have it good. Plenty of people have helped me over the years, and I live in a country where the chances are good that I'm not going to get sick and die just because I ate a bad lunch or that I probably won't get shot in my sleep. I guess I believe that if everybody spent a little bit of time to do something for somebody other than themselves, that we'd all be much happier.

At heart I really am a tragic-romantic. :/ I really don't cling to this idea, because frankly it is a lonely way to live. But I do like it those days that I fall asleep feeling that I've done something above what I need to do just to earn food and home.

Stompy made a point to tell me that if I decide to leave and find that things don't work out for me, that she'll find a way to have me work for her again. She is a wonderful boss, but I also wonder if she doesn't really understand me. She says that she can see me being unhappy if I have to attack other people's work.

And in a way she is right. I can't stress how sick and tired I am of bickering and fighting. I'm tired of feeling like my co-workers and friends (only some of them) are putting their needs above my own and at my expense.

Second Chances

I've been dealing with this by going on lots of long walks out here in Davis. And naturally this diary is a way I vent. But I'm still hoping to find a new job so I can get that second chance. That chance to start over. In the mean time, I don't see myself as running way, but there just are times you have to ignore things that upset you.

-=-

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