2001-05-23 - 11:45 a.m.

Emotional Man

Though pet owners (and maybe some vets) would swear that animals have emotions, I'm not convinced of this. I believe what marks humans apart from other animals is our emotions. In a sense they are the "Gift of Humans" as well as the "Curse of Humans".

Then there are people like myself who's passions are out of control. Or better stated, who not only openly display our emotions, but allow them to harm ourselves. I don't believe I've crossed the line where I have physically harmed myself, though there is a small fear that what I do goes beyond myself.

English Translation: I hurt those whom care about me and whom I care about.

I can't help but feel that some of the mistakes I've made could have been avoided. And though somebody recently said that it takes two to make mistakes, that doesn't help either. Oh it was said because the person telling me this actually believed it. But I still can't shake the feeling that she is both hurt and confused by my actions.

At one time she told me (and it finally sunk through) that I was letting my job come in between us. She wouldn't have said that if she didn't believe it. I didn't know what to say. I tried to say something and tried to respond, but I'm still in a bit of shock over this. Oh, she has mentioned it before, but this was the first time she lead me to believe that she believed my job was more important than her in my life. That just isn't true. I'm not saying her feelings are wrong. In fact, I trust her feelings and respect them. But I just find it so hard right now to show her that she means more to me than my job. I'm afraid I've ruined any future we have together.

Ghost Of My Past

Another part of all this "emotional man" syndrom that bothers me is that she hasn't given me any reason to believe that she really has forgiven me for any of the mistakes I've made in the past. She doesn't cite the specific examples like I do (yes, I'm guilty of holding onto the past way too much as well). But I just don't see how we can not be hurtful to each other if we are carrying around the pain of the past.

As much as I'm sad that I feel as though I'm judged more by the past than the present (for example the words, "It doesn't matter, I know you and tomorrow you'll be mad at me" really just cut out what little of the optimist remains in me), I think the larger issue is for me to focus on the future.

Plastic Coffins

Not knowing what to do about the past, I'm really going to need to focus more on my future. I've said that before in my diary. But this weekend I started to take more serious measures. I ordered some plastic coffins for my Star Wars figures and over the next few months I'm going to pack up my apartment. Basically I'm inventorying all my possesions and I'll reduce the amount of time it will take for me to one day pack up and leave.

I figure I need to get rid of some of my things, sell my second car, buy into the corporate appearance, and then update my resume. When Bronco gets back next month, I'll talk to her and get her help with my resume. With each passing week, I really think I'll be happier moving to the East Bay and sharing a place with my kid brother.

OK, I won't be able to walk around naked in my own home anymore. While it is true I do that now, I've not had the pleasure of doing this with somebody I'm affectionate with in a long time. I'm talking about just having a day of nakedness. A day of not hiding behind anything.

These are just ideas, but I remember when I lived at my folks home while in graduate school that I was comfortable enough to just take walks out around the streets at night. My home now is safe and I certainly can do that. But I've just not done this for about a year up here.

-=-

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