2001-05-23 - 10:09 p.m.

Shadow of the Vorlon

Didn't know it, huh? Obivously I'm a huge Babylon 5 fan. It is a shame that diaryland doesn't allow its users to list their top 5 TV shows. I think after Babylon 5, might come Star Trek most any flavour (and I say that without any shame, it is idealistic, but its message has always been positive). OK, so I felt Deep Space Nine was lacking, but ironically it started with the strongest premier and also had the best chance to explore a religion.

I felt obligated ... no I just felt like it period, to talk about lighter stuff this evening. I watched the last episode of Star Trek: Voyager. Even though I pretty much stopped watching the series when it came on opposite Babylon 5, there are some episodes that are fun.

Last night I must have known that Voyager was about to end, because for the first time in my life I had a dream about a friend, ICJ, whom I had a crush on in college.

ICJ originally was involved in a Model United Nations program with me. She was pretty, very intelligent, extremely open minded, polite, funny ... and started dating a friend on mine GreyMatter. Now GreyMatter actually became a true dick head by the time we were seniors, and actually was dating two women at the same time. One of them was ICJ.

Both women knew of the other, and naturally they hated each other. Well, though this is natural, and I did not and still don't think less of either of these women, I also believe being so consumed with jealousy that you hate your lover's other lovers is not the best way to be. English: I don't like it.

[I should say that when I'm consumed with jealousy I find myself directing it more at my lover. Or rather I did when I was in a poly relationship.]

Now GreyMatter and ICJ weren't in a poly relationship by name. Basically GreyMatter just dated around and called the girls his girlfriends, while ICJ's point of view was more of it was an on and off thing. Actually I was confused, because they would date when ICJ was around (she went to another college in Texas) and weren't an item when GreyMatter's other girl was around. It wasn't exactly Poly, but more like one guy dating two girls.

Anyway, eventually ICJ and GreyMatter had a falling out and for some reason ICJ started talking to me more. It started when she went to England for a semester and found that her only friend who would write her was me. I always liked her as a friend (I had no expectations ... don't know why) and enjoyed her letters. In fact, I love getting snail mail! Ah ... pen pals.

It ended up that I was ICJs only connection to the USA (save her family and her family life was strained). So when she came back, once a month she'd drive 2 hours to see me. That was when things got weird. It started one day when I saw her and she gave me this huge hug. It was the first time I didn't think of her as ICJ, but more like, "Wow, ICJ is here to see just me ... wait a second I feel her breasts pressing up and crushing my chest. Hmmm, I like that." Then I started feeling guilty. Self doubt mostly. Why would she be interested in me.

The Last to Know

I feel pretty stupid now. She put up with my love of Star Trek, and actually respected my "Star Trek: Voyager" hour. That meant she'd call me right before it started, and call again right after.

We talked about so much, but she never made any physical move on me. Just talk and listen. We'd shop together, eat at fancy Italian resteraunts, and play cards together (on a computer though). All told we only physically saw each other about half a dozen times, but we talked about once a week.

Then she got into Law School at Duke, and I was admitted to UC Davis's Environmental Engineering program. She had her east coast life, I had my west coast life.

But in the end, I realized she would stand next to me, and I only know regret that I didn't screw the damn Star Trek hour and talk to her for 3 hours! :) That I didn't try to hold her hand.

The Problem

As anybody who has read most of my entries know, I was molested. While I'm guilty of (and ashamed of) putting strong guilt trips on my last lover, I also believe people have free will. Things should be consensual. In fact, that is a major problem in my last relationship. I never ever felt comfortable "being dominant". Yup, this is why I'm a submissive in part. Either I was as a child and that baby sitter took note of that when she made me strip for her -or- after that I became submissive.

I hate myself for the pain I've put my girlfriends through, and I didn't want to risk it with ICJ.

And yet she was there for my first Star Trek Voyager, and in a sense when I dreamed of her last night, she was here for the last episode.

Now when I dreamed of ICJ (just like when I dream of all of my female friends) there is no sex involved. Simple reason, I masturbate before going to bed and after waking up ... so I don't have those dreams often. ICJ and I just talked.

3 There Are

OK, so what do Vorlons and Shadows have to do with a dream? Well, it is really about me (my diary ... my rules). :p

In Babylon 5, the Mimbari culture had three sects: the Warrior Caste, the Worker Caste, and the Religious Caste.

One of my favorite B5 episodes is when a Warrior who caused the crew all sorts of troubles admits that in his heart he was really of the Religious Caste, and then he sacrafices himself for another. OK, points for being a Martyr, but he also stepped across social boundaries.

I was reading a note Spring wrote me nearly a month ago and it brought tears to my eyes. I want to quote a part of it, so that I'll remember it more. "I wanted to tell you that I do love you, even though you don't see it sometimes. I know I'm hard on you, but really you're harder on yourself."

It wasn't as much what she said that still brings a tear to my eye, but the entire note and package. She wrote the note because I was about to travel back East and she knows how hard it is for me to go back to my past (conservative family and friends of old). She wanted to cheer me up.

However ungoth it is, she sent the note on a special paper with a Koala Bear. And well ... he is cute. And worse, I like the bear.

In a strange way it hurts and pleases me that she knows me. She knew that I would cry when I saw the bear. She knows when I'm about to cry to remind me to breathe. She knows about a lot of things I don't tell her or anybody else. In fact, if there is anybody close to figuring me out, she is that person.

The part that hurts is when she says truthful things about me that I just don't want to see. There is nothing either of us can do about that ... but it frightens me that I've allowed somebody to get that close to me.

In a way I talked about being too emotional, but I think in another way that people have: warrior, worker, and religious qualities. One of the reasons I love Spring is I see a hell of a lot in myself, and she is "Religous Caste".

I certainly am myself. Although I work as an engineer (Worker caste maybe), my work is not special because I'm productive or because I can rattle or control others. My senior engineers and biologists send me to meetings because my engineering talent has been to explain the complex in more down to Earth terms.

That was why I hurt so many of my seniors with my blue hair. Another friend, Alexandra, asked me if they were upset at me because I am a good engineer and asked me to consider if they would care less about my hair colour if my work wasn't meeting their expectations. OK, it took me twice to figure out what she was saying, but the woman was making sense. I don't think I'm a hot shot, but I have been given the "you are ruining your career" speech by several senior engineers now.

I just don't like stereotypes, and I really don't like the engineering one.

There are other ways that I consider myself spiritual and sentimental. I still sleep every night with a Teddy Bear. He has no name, but was given to me by my frist girlfriend. At the time I told her that boys should be given bears, and she insisted that made it all the more important that she give me a bear. Though that was over 10 years ago, I still thank her for that.

In fact, I have kept all the letters from girlfriends and affectionate friends over the years. ICJ sent me a leather mug, another girlfriend Huldra, sent me a book (short relationship there ... I have less from her). But the older I get, the more treasured these gifts become to me.

It really is true that the true attractiveness in a thing is not what it is or does, but what it means to you. And naturally the true value of a person isn't in what they are or what they do, but what they mean to you. Don't get me wrong, how people treat others is extremely important to me. But I don't care one bit if somebody is a doctor or retail clerk. And it doesn't matter if they are a super model or just your average jane. What matters is inside them and you. And how you feel about that.

You just have to trust your emotions and feelings. You have to be in touch with them.

Listening to: Danny Elfman's "Batman Returns" soundtrack. Danny Elfman is really wonderful!

Now I'm going to try and pack my things for tomorrow's presentation. I'm honestly very neverous. One of the things I am considering doing tomorrow is talking to an engineer from the Bay Area who will be there about what it is like to work at his company. They have been advertising since Feburuary for an expert on the Delta. I'm not nearly the expert as the people with years of experience over me, but I do have two years of experience and I found out today when I had to make an emergency model run, that I'm not bad either.

Goodnight,

-=-

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