2001-05-22 - 12:10 p.m.

Diary of Ann Frank

I had another channel surfing surprise tonight. Now rarely do I watch TV, but lately I've been so sick of computers and my phone is pretty quiet these days. So I was watching Star Trek: the Next Generation on video and while between episodes I left the TV on while I watered Bronco's plants.

To my surprise a new made for TV version of the Diary of Ann Frank was on. With my upcoming trip to the Netherlands this Fall, I figured it would be a good idea to watch the rest of the film.

Before I get into what disturbed me about the movie, I wanted to say two positive things. First, I found it interesting that she kept a diary (which I read years ago) and thought about my own diary. I post most of the thoughts and feelings I have, and don't hold much back. I really started wondering tonight what it is like to read somebody else's diary, when it is far more than "Bill and Jane and I went to have dinner. It was fun."

But there are times what I have to say really does feel like a simple accounting of the motions I've lived through.

"It is not how much time you have to spend on things, it is about what you do with your time."

Lately I've been depressed. Sadly it is the optimist in me that is causing this problem, because he is refusing to give up on something that I really should walk away from. The unfortunate side effect of depression is that you find yourself spending time, and not really doing things.

That includes watching TV as an escape. And while the Ann Frank movie started as that, it hit home with some things that distrub me about people in general.

By the time the Franks were taken to concentration camps, I kept finding myself hating everything Nazi Germany stood for. I even wondered how people in the goth scene can wear a Nazi uniform.

OK, the boots actually look nice. And I really do like military dress. But I ripped the Gunnery Sergent rank insignias from my USMC dress jacket and added a chain. (That reminds me, Spring has my Air Force dress jacket ... I need to get that back from her.) But I don't like using real historical uniforms unless I'm acting.

And I would never want to act like a Nazi. OK, true, few WWII Germans were Nazis. But how could you live with yourself as a guard if you were assigned to watch over prisoners at the concentration camps?

I believe if necessary that I could find it within me to kill hostile military personnel. But I don't see how anybody could live with themselves if their job was to butcher civilians. I honestly think that I would have turned my own gun on my fellow guards and try to take a few of them out.

It bothers me to know that humans are so selfish that they not only would destroy other humans, but that they would actively and so cruely do so to their neighbors, and for such a stupid reason as they had a different religion.

What I'm going through at work is by no means persecution. I think it violates my civil rights and right to live my life as I choose (being told what colour my hair should be ... as this really sounds like people telling me how to behave and live away from the office). But on a very small level I do appreciate the fact that if we as a people become complacent in exercising our free will, that things like what happened in the Second World War are certainly repeatable.

Oh, I can understand the types of games that went on in the concentration camps, as the German Guards surely put everybody through so much mental and physical pain that the part that makes a human different from an animal was likely dying. But that still leaves the question: why?

Movies and books and music with political messages are very important. There are days (more than every before now) were I do regret becoming an engineer. I'm fighting a loosing battle to protect the environment. But frankly, I don't know who is championing the cause of freedom.

My sister would say that I take life way too seriously. And in a fashion she is correct. But I also recognize that part of being an adult is to test the boundaries of freedom and to encourage others to be open minded. To simply party all your life and work in a job only to make money ignores the very fact that not everybody is given the same chance. And while the "life ain't fair" reply certainly is true, this doesn't mean that adults have the right to be quiet so selfish as to not help make the world a better place.

Of course, most folks do just that. You don't have to work for a charity in my opinion. You just have to keep that open mind, encourage it in others, and at times be helpful to others (perhaps to your friends and lovers).

The last thing that was racing through my mind today was what would I do if a group of people were rounded up in our society and slowly executed. I honestly believe I'd likely take arms against those who would do this. In the very least, I would hide people in my own attic.

The question is which? Take the shorter direct confrontation, which often wastes your life and doesn't really protect those whom are counting on you to do the right thing, or take the slow course and maybe make no progress.

To take the same idea, I'm still feeling bad about loosing my blue hair. It certainly helps out management that I don't have it. But am I really doing as much to create a progressive work place that is representative of the needs and attitudes of the California public?

There is a trade off between keeping an open mind, but making yourself a good prospect to one day (long from now) getting into a position of authority and reversing stupid dress codes -vs- making an example out of yourself so that others can be exposed to things and either grow or change that dress code for you. In other words, if I play the game, I honestly have the potential to go far in state service. I work hard (already this is an asset) and I have enough of a nonlinear thinking style that often allows me to try new things (to adapt). As a higher up, I fantasize about issuing an apology for prior dress codes and forcing the current HR people to apologize personally to each person they made shave their heads.

But if nobody askes to have blue hair, how can the policy be changed? In order to change rules, somebody who isn't responsible for making the rules has to be unhappy. I hope soon to file that grievence. It is hard being a pioneer.

It is worse looking at my friends in the Bay Area, where I don't hear about this kind of thing as much. In a way I'm jealous about what they have. And in time I think I'll need to decide if I were to move there, if I would find that I was right to be jealous, or if the grass was just greener. I'm hoping it is just greener.

-=-

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