2001-04-27 - 1:46 p.m.

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

We hear this all the time, but not everybody takes this to heart. Simply signing "love" at the end of a bitter and mean email doesn't mean somebody loves you. Nor does patting a child on the head when they get nervous.

People are judged by what they do, not what they say. And this isn't something to really worry about or keep in mind, as you should really be true to yourself.

Angry Emails

So after several days Spring did send me me two emails in the middle of the week. The first was a simple question concerning her colour photography final, and there was no reason for me to answer it. The second email did bother me.

I don't know if she was hurting and just wanted to spread her hurt back to its source -- me, or if she felt her email would really help. It doesn't matter. The email simply pissed me off.

Anybody who knows me, especially somebody who tells me that she loves me, should know me enough to know I don't buy affection. I don't go around buying dinners for my friends. There was one exception. I would often help Spring pay for things, but she also let me. Not once did she refuse. Something to think about there before accusing somebody of buying people.

Also it is fair to say that she is poor. She has no job, and I honestly was afraid that she has been creating a credit card debit. When you don't have a job and no money, it is hard to do things with people who want to and can go out or buy CDs. If she was more independent then I wouldn't have paid for dinners. I just can't understand how she could claim to ever have loved me and felt this way.

It really stung when I heard her say that.

Then she wrote about how she was embarassed when I was upset in public. This is exactly what I thought was going on, she never cared that I was upset, just how people saw me and her. She was too focused on everybody else besides us.

She claimed she gave our relationship a chance, but I never felt this was the case. In fact, she still never really accepted the fact that she did push me in ways that she never pushed her other relationships. I don't think I'll ever believe that she valued me the way she value others.

From another person:

"Just want to be friends"

is

"you are great but the chemistry just isn't happening for me"

And yet, only now am I understanding why. In her own way she was trying to end our relationship. She pointed out that I was a terrible kisser. She said there just wasn't a Chemistry between us.

She tried so hard to tell me that she didn't have chemistry with me. The funny thing is I did have chemistry with her. But I did nothing for her.

Running Away

She then wrote about how I was doing the easy thing. How I was running away. She really needs to stop and look at her own actions. She was nice, no wonderful, to me in private. I will not complain about that.

But she also would show an interest in other guys in public at my expense. We talked about this, and she knew it was something I just needed time to overcome. But 2 solid months of pressing me on this, even after I said it was a problem is not time. It certainly is not like the year plus she has given Wingtip.

Somebody else wrote this in response to some of my thoughts on Public Displays of Affection (PDAs):

"you're totally blowing off the subset of ... people that are embarrassed by the person they love."

Maybe this was the case. But even if it was, it still begs the question how can you love somebody, but be more concerned about what other people are going to think about your affection for them.

No, that isn't it. A number of people thought we were dating and having sex months ago. Back then she seemed more concerned about us or her other relationship.

Enneagram

Any-a-gram. Basically the theory is there are 9 different primary ways people cope with life and other people. Of these 9, there are 3 groups of 3 types. Each type has negative and positive aspects. And how you related to people of different types should be different.

Image

The first group are the image focused people. They are concerned about how others view them. There are helpers who want others to view them as loving people, there are achievers who like to follow social norms, and then there are romantics who want to be seen as original. They certainly are concerned about how others view them and their lovers.

Anger

The second group are people who are focused on their own feelings. They are not concerned about others at all, but are very aware of how they feel. The types include the asserters who are true to themselves and will come off as bitchy, the peacemakers who are ultra accommodating and bury their negative feelings, and then the perfectionists who view negative feelings as wrong, and create rules to control it, but are very aware of things like their own anger.

Fear

The last group of people are always in need of security. Observers are introverted and find saftey in knowledge and themselves. Adventurers are active, and keep themselves busy at all times. They dislike unpleasnat emotions and run hard to other things to avoid them. Finally the Questioners don't run or turn to themselves for a sense of security, but look to others.

I'm a Questioner, and the more I read about them, I can see where this came from and how many things reinforced this trait in me. Questioners either like to follow the rules, or they go out of their way to cause trouble. Drama Queens would probably be another good description.

Some Advice for Questioners

I have to remind myself some of the checklist advice given to questioners:

I am likely to overreact when I am stressed, and yet this has a negative effect on other people.

I should only give when I want, or I will feel used.

A sense of humour about my own hypervigilance is nessecary.

And finally Advice for Getting Along with me

Be direct and clear. Listen to me.

Gently push me toward new experiences, don't rush me.

Overreacting to my overreacting makes things worse.

And really the emails I got were in a way overreactions to my own overreactions. But at the same time, I still can look back at things I feel wronged.

In relation to Spring, she seemed to want her boyfriends to always be around her and her other boyfriends. What I didn't like about this was how focused on her own needs that seemed. She still tries to tell me that Wingtip is OK with her on other dates, but she refuses to acknowledge that he was on his own date and very preoccupied and that they had years of history behind them. It wasn't like in the first two months of their relationship as boyfriend girlfriend that she was always talking about some other guy and asking him to tag along on her dates with him.

I'm sure I'll think about this more, but last night was a good break. It allowed me the time to seriously just be with people. A few more concerts or club nights like that and I hope that I won't feel like I have to avoid her. Right now I certainly don't want to go to Bound, because she likes to take Wingtip on dates there.

She did excuse me of trying to keep tabs on her, but I'm not. She needs to understand that I won't feel comfortable at Deathguild sitting with Musica is she is cuddling with somebody else right there. (Though I still need to find out why Musica herself was snubbing me last night, I do suspect that what Spike told me is true.)

-=-

<< previous - next >>