2001-04-25 - 8:10 a.m.

A Strange Kind of Comfort

Perhaps it is the calm before the storm, but I'm starting to feel grounded again. Some unkind (though not horrible) things have been said to me, but they are far more than outnumbered by the kindness and support and sympathy my friends have shown me.

As I wrote about Misery Loves Company, I believe most people have been here. Have felt mislead or hurt, and understand what it is like to awaken from it.

I've noticed my music selection has reverted back to some simple core basics for this week: the Cure, the Church, Depeche Mode, and then the Empire Strikes Back Soundtrack.

In addition to laundry, grocery shopping, and house cleaning, I spent last night reading comics. They offer a wonderful escape.

The Sixth Sense

I still find myself thinking about this film. Please don't read if you've not seen it, as I'm going to spoil it now. During the movie I was hurt that the main character's wife appeared to be loosing interest in him for another man, because he was dedicated to his work. It was apparent that helping children through their emotional problems was extremely important to the doctor, and though his wife knew that she wouldn't have time with him, I couldn't understand how her love for him would change.

Perhaps I really an the idealist and romantic I test out to be. I fall in love with people based on how they treat others, not themselves. I do find something very attractive and noble about helping others. In way, I found the doctor to be a guy you really were impressed with. A role model.

It did not hit me until the end of the film that there was so much love packed into the story. The boy clearly loved his mother and was tormented by the fact that he couldn't tell her. The scene where the mother broke her son out of the closet was beautiful. There is a part of me that wants to know somebody will always be there to help protect me.

And the boy returned this by comforting his mother when she would sleep at night.

I find it interesting that of all the ghosts to visit the boy, he found the doctor character to be one of the ones to listen to. Perhaps he was already listening to his grandmother (which was another scene to which I cried).

But what really broke me was at the end when the wife was sleeping alone watching the wedding video and dropped her husbands wedding ring. The minute I saw the ring I cried "NO!". I was in denial that the doctor was in fact a ghost himself.

But at the same time, everything I had seen for the past 2 hours made sense. In fact, I found the wife to be somebody I myself would appreciate to have around. Even after death, she was still deeply in love with her husband.

Nature of Love

That to me is what love really is about. It isn't centered on yourself (that is selfiness, and in small doses this is a good thing). Instead it is about feeling an emotional (not physical) connection with another human being.

At times this means you need to put your own physical or emotional needs asside. You aren't a high school child anymore living at home. You simply can't lock yourself away in your room and give nothing back to the people you love.

Obviously there are different levels and kinds of love. Friendship is one such level. When somebody is your friend, they do have a right to place demands on your time. The minute they don't, there is no friendship there.

Bane

In the third grade I made friends with Bane. We went through elementry, jr. high, high school, and college together. It was a true friendship. There were times I did things for him I didn't want to, and there were times he did things for me he didn't want to.

I haven't talked to him in a year, because he found a girlfriend and basically they became so involved that there was little I could help him with. We also had a falling out because he came to live with me for what turned into 7 months, not paying rent, just sleeping in my second bedroom. I wanted nothing in the world but to help him, but he refused my help.

In fact, he became resentful of my offers to help. Ironically he started seeing me as controlling him. And he really stopped doing things for me. He wasn't there when I needed him anymore.

People who claim to be your friends, but only when _they_ want to, really aren't your friends. They don't understand the simple most basic concepts of love and commitment.

Sometimes you have to tell others, "I'm sorry, but my friend needs me. I will be with you later." You don't tell them, "You have no right to expect me to spend time with you."

Friendships are give and take, and can not be based on a set of rules developed by and for the benefit of one person.

Part of becoming an adult ... part of growing up is getting your own home. The problem with Bane was that he lived at home until age 28. Then he moved from home to his best friend's place (that would be me), but still the home was mine. I never told him I wanted a roommate.

I can't live 24/7 with anybody. Really, I love friends, but I need private space.

Bane realized that he left one set of parents and moved in with another.

And the problems started from there. He wanted to have control in his life. He had no job. Made no effort to get one. He had little money. And lots of free time. He sometimes would feel bad and offer me dinner (he cooked, using a small amount of my food and all of my cooking stuff). But deep down he knew he depended on me more than I depended on him.

Relationships, friends or as lovers (and no, Bane was not my lover), depend on equality. There simply is no way around that. When one partner in a relationship is co-dependent, then it becomes unhealthy.

People like Bane, who are not in control. Who don't have their own home, their own jobs, their own identities, lash out at others. They survive by playing people off others. They don't do this to be mean or hurtful. My therapist said few people are mean, but often their actions hurt without them knowing this. I think co-dependents are trying to get some control over their lives, but don't realize that they do so at the emotional or sometimes physical expense of the people they love.

In the End

These types of individuals need our help. I wish I could do more, but I myself am a co-dependent personality. I had to finish graduate school before I really could start to feel independent. At first living on my own was hard. Unbelievably hard ... hard enough that I wasn't concerned about my own life or future anymore.

Then I found something. I found that as an individual, I could have fun on my own and did just that. Somewhere along the way I developed new friendships and relationships. They were rewarding and brought me to new places, but somewhere along the way I started feeling like somebody else was controlling me. In a way I liked it. I was familair with this. And I though it would be a relationship where I could help my friend as well. There would be times I would drive a 100 miles in the middle of the night to help, and there would be times when my friend would do the same. Not always, but there would be something there.

I just haven't felt like this has really been the case. And now, I'm starting to remember what it was like to be less dependent. I still want to help people.

Ironically I had a strange email yesterday from another friend about how this person was avoiding me because they felt as if I was trying to control them. It is hard to draw a line between "help" and "control". But thinking about things from the past week, I can understand how that is a hard line to see.

I am resolving to myself to actually get better at communicating to people that I don't want to use them. I don't want to control them. And anybody who thinks I would try and buy somebody, really is doing me a great disservice. I care, and would love for people to do the same thing for me.

And looking back at all the support I've had this week, people do care about me. That is something to hold onto.

-=-

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