2001-04-23 - 9:35 a.m.

Misery Loves Company

The day after the Professional Engineers (PE) Exam at work is interesting.

Everybody who has taken the exam before and passed drops by to check up on you. They come in smiling, but unsure if you feel only OK or really really bad.

In part this is because the exam is a right of passage. A person legally is not an engineer in the United States until they've passed 1-4 exams. Different states require different levels of skill. California happens to be the most restrictive, in large part due to the extreme ground motions and heavy population. A failure of a building, freeway, or dam here results in not hundreds of deaths, but thousands.

Everybody who has been through the exam understands just how humiliating an experience it is. Just like people who have PhD's or Master's degrees know what it is like before your degree. To know that really your entire future is banked on the fact that somebody will hopefully award a degree to you.

People who haven't taken the exam, can't understand. You can't practice engineering without the degree, at least Civil Engineering. And you are lucky if you find a job that pays enough to survive without the degree.

Part of growing up and becoming independent is working hard to make sure you can earn the money to have your own home. Sometimes this requires wearing a tie or being civil to people whom you really don't care for. There are trade offs in growing up.

Immature people focus on themselves, and have a harder time understanding the pressures of becoming a professional. They also forget that professional people are the ones who really shape the world. This is why being a blue haired environmental engineer means so much to me. If I was an all black wearing computer programmer, people would expect me to party all the time and care about myself first. But they really wouldn't respect me, they'd just use me when necessary.

But as an engineer I become a role model. Most people understand that instead of going after big money that I've started a life of working on projects to remediate and clean up the environmental damaged caused by humans.

Today tons of people who took the exam before or on Saturday have stopped by to talk about the exam. And I believe I have a small chance at passing, I don't feel like talking anymore.

I went to bed last night at 8 PM, and slept most of the day. I've had 1 meal in a few days ... I just am finding it hard right now to find things about myself that are worth saving. But I'm also feeling better after reading an email from Cricket and then a talk with Redwood.

They have validated my feelings that I was basically right to feel hurt and neglected.

The End of My Relationship With Spring

A month ago Spring broke up with me because of problems in our relationship. I saw them, but warned her that we had to set boundaries, to communicate, and work at things or consider a break as in separation. As usual with her, she was persistant and wanted things her way. She didn't think a true break would work, and assured me she still loved me and that she cared about my emotions.

I told her the problems stemmed from the fact that she constantly pushed me in ways she didn't push her other boyfriend, Wingtip. That she was more than happy to have sex with Mixer in front of me, or be extremely affectionate with him in my apartment or at a concert while we were on a date, but she never did this to Wingtip. On Saturday she encouraged me to go to the Dreams of the Fall concert. I went.

Apparently she and Mixer were having dinner as a couple. After the show it turns out they went to several clubs / parties and she ended up at his place. That is a date. And I was made very aware of this, based on the fact that when there were two seats, she would walk to Mixer or sit on his lap. She was there for him.

Spring Has Changed

She spent Monday night and Thursday night with Mixer. When she talks to me, it is only about Mixer. Mixer needs new clothes. Mixer's set was like this. She can't see it, but she is in love with him.

She used to dance a lot at clubs. She will dance to his sets, but when her favorite bands come on and he was sitting around, she doesn't dance as much. That just means she wants to spend more time with him.

The problem is that one of the first things she told me is that she would never threaten her relationship with Wingtip by pushing him. And yet, she didn't care enough about me to not push Mixer on me. I would take Mixer places and I told her it was bothering me. That as her boyfriend I would work on it, but as an affectionate friend, she needed to show more attention and compassion to me here. I had no obligation to do something for her when she wouldn't do it for me.

It was just too much. No, it was incredibly selfish for her to invite me to "tag on" on her date with Mixer. Especially right after the PE Exam.

When she and I went on dates together she told me that she would pay attention to Mixer because she was going home with me. "It is not who you are paying attention to, but whom you go to bed with that matters," she once explained. Well, I was at a low point and instead of sitting on my lab or rushing to be with me (whom she didn't see all week, unlike her other boyfriends, both of whom she saw twice last week) she focused on her date.

It is cruel and selfish to tell somebody you care about their feelings, and yet invite them out when you are on a date with somebody else. And it is not being a good friend to not be there when you know you are needed.

So I left the club and talked to Spring for the last time. It was hard to go, knowing that she knew it was over too. That in the end, she risked not only our relationship over Mixer, but that she risked our friendship and replaced me with him. That really is how I see it.

I feel betrayed and lied to. I believe there was a time when Spring did love me, but I also believe she never loved me in a way where she would have put her needs above mine own.

And I am resentful of her and Mixer because of this. She would put my needs aside to pursue Mixer, but I didn't she her to this to Wingtip for my benefit or Mixers. This is a pattern that I told her about before we broke up, during, and after. And I feel like she totally doesn't respect my feelings here.

She claimed that Wingtip was OK with this, but he had another date and was cuddling with her. I am happy Wingtip has found somebody else to be there for him, and now realize that I need to as well.

The difference is she still really is supportive of Wingtip and him finding new relationships. While she is not supportive of me.

The Goodbye

So I hinted earlier I did something incredibly hard. I ended up totally breaking it off with Spring. I asked her to no longer be any part of my life. I don't want to bring her to Europe.

My trip there is something I didn't want to bring even my best friend Redwood (though until this week I did consider Spring a best friend too). It was something special. But she just has proven time and time again, that when in public she doesn't care what people think about the two of us nor what I feel. At least it is not as important has her wanting to explore Mixer and display that affection for him in public.

How could I bring her to Europe, which is a special thing to me, if she wouldn't let me into special parts of her life?

This type of behavior really seemed munipulative. It was as if she cared more about my affections for her than she cared about my own needs and feelings. And I really finally have to admit that I find this type of behavior as immature and selfish.

People can be selfish, but just how I don't associate with many people in the club scene in San Francisco, I don't want to call somebody a girlfriend, affectionate friend, and really even a friend, when I feel as though I'm not appreciated.

Part of me is still in shock, but I did read her diary today and she is showing no sign of loss. I honestly am left wondering how much I meant to her, because she doesn't seem hurt. She had a wonderful weekend while mine sucked.

Spring did have some good advice and taught me good and bad things. Among the good was, "When you are in an uncomfortable setting, you need to walk away."

That is exactly what I am doing. I am uncomfortable about how she treats me compared to Mixer and Wingtip. She would say I'm comparing myself, but really she needs to look more closely at how she is around them versus how she is around me. If Wingtip was standing there and didn't get to spend two days a week with her and wasn't her boyfriend, would he have watched her give head to Mixer? I seriously doubt Wingtip would have gone to the concert on his own if he didn't have a date.

Spring has hinted that Wingtip shows a lot more openmindedness than I do, but she has never pushed him as hard.

Finally I am resentful that I feel like she tested her open relationship on me, and then once it was really opened, she lost her interest in me. This is how I feel replaced.

With all things, you have to give people time. I don't feel treated fairly, so it is going to hurt me to see Spring again. I do hope that she cares enough about me to at least email me when she is going to a club on a weekend so I can choose to avoid it.

I don't want to go to Bound or Deathguild and see her there. Especially because she will be hanging out with Mixer and that means I would not be comfortable around Musicia.

But my solution is to just move on. I've lost my relationship and friendship with her, and while it will be hard on me knowing this (I'll always question if she loved me or just the fact that somebody loved her) I just need to start over. Find new friends.

Maybe they will do the same thing to me, but I will be better prepared. I'll also be guarded. Part of me blames this on being young. I might be immature at times, but I am closing in on 30. I need to find people who have a similar work ethic, who understand what it is like to take care of their own professional needs.

-=-

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