2001-04-22 - 7:34 p.m.

The Sixth Sense

Last night I went to my folks house, woke up early. I can't sleep easily right now. Tried calling Cricket a few more times, then drove back to Davis.

The minutes today have been dragging, so I decided to watch the Sixth Sense. Three months ago Redwood loaned me the DVD.

While it certainly ranks of one of the best films I've seen, I just don't think I was ready for it. I don't want to give away the ending, but he was right.

Emotions Out of Control

I don't know why, but I was in tears through most of the movie. I just wasn't in the right frame of mind to watch this movie.

I want things to stop. And I want to be normal. I don't know if the movie just moved me along, but I'm not very happy where I'm at.

I saw my folks this morning and they know something is wrong, but I just don't think they know how hurt I've been. How broken feeling. Things just aren't the same anymore. And generally unhappy with life and myself. I hurt those closest to me and it only makes me push them away more.

I haven't told my parents about the therapist or why I went in. The real reason. I'm not ready.

This morning my mom and I did talk about how Spring hurt me last night. Oh, it wasn't intentional. In fact, it was the lack of thought that hurt. That in the attitude that a night at the clubs and a date were more important than going for a walk. That isn't wrong for her, but I just need that extra attention and love that she can't provide.

But when I talked to my mom, she said that it sounds like Spring is just young and doesn't know exactly what she wants. She then went on to say that many artists, especially those with great talent, don't fit society norms.

My mom is the family member I have the best relationship with. And yet it is hard for me to talk to her. We've talked about Spring and she likes her. We've talked about her family.

My mom went on to say that it sounds like Spring's family, all being artists, certainly brought a lot of that out in her. I think she is talented, but I no longer feel like I can make a judgement call on my mom's belief that those with massive artistic talents often see and think so differently that they have an exceptionally hard time dealing with others and society.

What hurt this morning was how my own mother couldn't see that same problem in me. And I think it is there.

I keep thinking how I could have changed events last night, over the past 3 months, and deeper into my past, and I can't find an easy answer.

What is hard is knowing that there are things that I don't tell people. I am fairly open with a lot of things, but that is because I've found if I put enough out, I still have plenty to hold in.

I really need to start those 1 hour sessions. My current therapist is only the staff therapist for my local clinic, and while I trust her she can only help me a little bit.

A few weeks ago I talked about opening toys and collectors who don't open them. I'm an opener, and certainly keep lots of toys around me, because ... well, I don't know exactly.

I think it has part to do with the fact that I am afraid of essentially growing old. And with age I see fewer emotions expressed. Now I really am highly emotional, and it really confuses or hurts those around me.

And at times like today when all I really need is just a lot of hugs and naps, I find that I have few friends there for me.

But I wonder if I were to give away my toys, change jobs, and move away from California if I could not only start a new life, but do it right this next time.

What will I want to say when I die?

-=-

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