2001-04-22 - 10:52 a.m.

End of Eras

Last night I finally pushed myself too far and was pushed too far.

It was the Dreams of the Fall final show in Alemeda. My ex-girlfriend talked me into going. We went to all of their shows, it was as Bats would say, "A family thing." So naturally I wanted to be there.

Yesterday was the seismic exam, one of the hardest things I've had to do. At least until I got home last night.

I was hurt at the concert. I don't want to go into the details.

I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of walking on nails with talking with my therapist and ex-girlfriend. I'm tired of being a scape goat and I need somebody who will be there for me when I need her.

When I got home I tried calling Cricket (10 AM her time). No luck. I thought about calling Redwood. But I just need a warm shoulder to cry on.

So without anybody to turn to, I went ahead and decided it was time for me to stand up for myself and more importantly protect myself.

My ex-girlfriend would tell me that when I didn't like something to just walk away. This is good advice. When people hurt you or say one thing and display another, walk away.

But there is something so impersonal about this. Hey, I'm hurting you. I won't stop, so just leave for now. I don't like that. How important is somebody if whatever you are doing is more important than their emotions.

Some people are like this, but I am not. Not good or bad, but when people are different like this, you just can't be in a relationship.

I hated driving down from Davis to be dumped a month ago, and I wouldn't wish that on any one. In a long distance relationship there just is no easy way. Telling somebody through a diary, on the phone, a letter, or email that you want to break up with them is hard. I understand that ... from both ends.

Right now I'm really sad. I feel less important than a lot of things, but it really is time to move on. I can't keep letting other people's needs come before mine.

-=-

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