2001-03-24 - 10:34 a.m.

Well, just like she said she was going to do in her diary, last night we broke up. (BTW please don't ever tell somebody you are going to break up with them first in your diary ... it wasn't easy on me.) Spring still wants to negotiate it, and I would much rather have a break than a break up. Focus on setting boundaries and some distance, but not calling off our committment.

She tried to explain how it doesn't matter if you call somebody your girlfriend or boyfriend, but it does. If it doesn't then she wouldn't care about using the word in our relationship or others. It simply does have a meaning. If it doesn't then a person wouldn't use the word at all ... in any situation.

I still want to be her friend, but she can't really understand how this will change my feelings. Not immediately, but to me calling somebody your girlfriend or boyfriend means that there is a committment there. An agreement that this is somebody who isn't around for only the easy parts.

Right now I am in a bad place, and I'm not really interested in a non-committed relationship. I think it is incredibly unfair to my needs.

Committed relationships don't make somebody a slave to another person. I think that is wrong to. I am still hoping that this is what she was trying to talk about. That we both felt trapped by the other. My dreams and talks have certainly made me felt trapped by her.

But now she really is pushing my love of her away by insisting on this. Oh, she is perfectly right to tell me she doesn't want this kinda of relationship, and that is fine. A relationship has to be the union of two people's desires.

But what she is describing know isn't any more fair than me pressuring her to keep this committment. How can I be there just some of the time? I don't want to even talk about my emotional needs.

Last night was basically hard. It is hard to see somebody you love basically asking you to still love them, but less so. The irony is by doing just that, I do really fear (and see) me drifting away from her. She doesn't see it, but I don't trust her in this aspect. I do want each of us to play a very important part in the other's life, and I need that committment.

Without it, there are so many things she asks of me and not her other relationships that I will not carry on with. Why? Because I feel sometimes like I'm doing something that is masking other people's problems ... I get little credit, but when I have my own problems, they don't help me.

Basically last night I heard that she only wants to do things with me, but not feel like she has too. I just don't see how this can improve our relationship.

It was a gentle break up. There was crying involved, but it didn't hurt when she touched me. And I still want to see her. We'll still talk, but she doesn't understand how it hurts to have somebody you love basically ask to be treated just like your other affectionate friends.

I don't think things are fixed yet ... too late. But I am very serious that I want a committment, and I don't see how calling it a boyfriend / girlfriend relationship means that we can't put other healthy boundaries on our relationship. Well, I do understand that she didn't feel that we could be the equals I wanted, but I really would much rather us focus on pacing issues and this, just in a different way.

-=-

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