2001-03-23 - 08:06 a.m.

It is very odd, but for the past several weeks I've been going back to my old school music. Oh, I'm still listening to some new releases, but as of late, I've been happiest with my Church or Depeche Mode playing. I've also tried to sway all those close to me into listening to both groups more. Redwood is about the most receptive, then Grover (whom may have heard the Church before they hit America).

I'm not sure where I'm going right now. Not in the physical sense, but in a larger sense. Essentially I am wondering if I lost my way some time ago and if maybe it is time to seriously map some things out.

I wrote not long ago about Musicia, and while she is nice, I really don't think she sees me as anybody other than a club kid. Oh, on that note, Monday night I was the first Bay Area person to hear the new Chiasm CD. :) I'd been bugging her about it for months, so she made Mixer run and find me while I was dancing when the copies came in. Yeah, I tend to hog her head phones.

About listening to music at Musicia's table, it is fun, but for some reason about the only time people pay attention to me is when I have head phones on. At clubs that is when girls display an interest in me. At work it is when employees start talking to me. Headphones = Leave Me Alone Please. At least they did when I was in college, wether it be on a computer or walking around campus.

Speaking about college I had a TAing nightmare last night. I dreamt that I was a Surveying and Statics Teaching Assistant again. It has been 5 years since I taught classes. All night long students were chasing me with questions and professors were telling me to set up Saturday review sessions.

I know why I had school imagery in my dreams. I started studying for my upcoming Seismic design exam yesterday. In fact, I tore through my new Seismic text book! I feel so stupid, as if I had had this book back in Sept, then I probably would have passed by now.

And last night Grover came over to keep me company. She graded papers while I studied for my exam. It is actually really nice to have a friend whom you can study with. Grover also has been coaching me and reminding me that I _do_ worry more than necessary. She didn't directly state it, but I get the feeling from her and Redwood, that my worriedness may actually be the problem. So Grover was coaching me, and not in a polite way. Not mean, but just in ways that I hope stick.

My therapist asked me something that I'm not ready to put in my diary ... but it really makes me think. Others have said things to, it just is so hard to not back down.

I don't have a "plan" or speach made out. I did want to make a list of things though. I'm so bad at keeping score that I get confused. I hate winning and loosing. In all things.

Take games for example, I always wanted just wild and wierd things to happen. Perhaps under all my fear there still is an idealist. Yes, I think that is it exactly. I do believe that at my very core I have been and always am interested in saving the world.

This isn't exactly a problem, it just is who I am. Yes I do this because I don't honestly feel like I'd be around today if somebody else didn't carry similar values. For the Kiersey Temperment tests I usually score as a "xNFx" personality. Idealists. Teachers, Social workers, Philosophers, etc.

It is so strange that I work as an engineer and yet constantly feel my way through life. I am an emotional person. It is what I do and is reflected in my work (which right now is stagnant because the stupid script programs aren't working). It just hurts to learn that my own emotions hurt those I love and care about, as well as push people away.

So today I feel like I have a final exam. I don't know how I'll do, but I have to fight my instincts to basically run. I've got many friends, all of whom are there, but they still can't help me. They've tried, some of them have beaten themselves up over it, but I'm just not sure I want too many of my rough edges removed. I don't want to become unfeeling. And I don't want to become insensitive, or selfish, or any number of things that I just see all too often in people.

[I must say, it sounds appropriate that I finish this entry while listening to "Hotel Womb". I have a rare live cut of the song on tape from back in 1994. I'd also like to add that I think my trip to Europe to visit Cricket will be a very good thing, I miss her ... we had so much fun knocking around Davis or the Bay Area.]

-=-

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