2001-03-22 - 09:36 a.m.

I don't want to turn this diary into a constant stream of text ... hell, it already is.

But I wanted to drop a few notes, as I know a few people are concerned about me lately.

First, my home ISP has been down lately. I can email from work, and do ... but I've just been so swamped.

Second, that call I made last night to my Therapist was returned this morning.

I really think there are some positive aspects of this diary. I've been honest about how I feel about things, and becoming more bold. When my doctor called, I actually asked everybody to leave my office. That is when I dropped the bomb, I told my therapist that: (1) I'm still having problems, (2) I fear they already soiled my relationship, (3) I would like help in getting into a regular program, and (4) I was molested and fear it is really part of all my problems. Actually the way it came out was, "I wasn't totally honest. I called last night to tell you that I was molested as a child. Once, no twice."

I didn't remember this until last year, and I managed to forget it by mid-summer. Until this week, only Spring and Redwood knew. I may have told Cricket, but I don't remember doing so. I suspect that Stompy figured it out, but that is based on other work related situations that we've had to talk about.

The diary made it easier to bring this to the attention of my therapist, whom I would not be seeing if not for Spring.

My therapist's advice: (1) she immediately bumped me up in priority. I'm scheduled to go in her next free spot on Tuesday. My task is to contact the Yolo County Community Mental Health Center's Domestic Violence group. I will call them this afternoon when things get quiet. (2) she can't help me, if I don't help myself by making the steps to come into therapy (duh, where have I heard that before). (3) we talked about other things and it was nice for her to ask questions like "do you feel like you are being treated fairly?"

She said that most likely this molestation event is certainly a part of my problems, but she didn't act like it was the sole problem. She did however sound like I really do need to talk.

I never thought I was in so much need, but I'm sure most of my friends could tell you I am.

I'm still impressed that I asked everybody to actually leave my office and then told her. I didn't cry or anything, but I was shaking. It was hard, I guess because I do fear everybody constantly compares and judges me.

I honestly don't think this is too late for one of the most important things in my life, my relationship with Spring. It will take its own course and I don't like how it seems like this occured only when things got intolerable for her ... I don't like that at all. In my defense I want to say, that yesterday was the soonest time since talking to her on Thursday that I could call my doctor. Between work and clubs (which were then a higher priority), I just didn't make the time.

-=-

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