2001-03-22 - 08:07 a.m.

Last night when I got home I phoned my therapist. She wasn't in her office, as I've been working late to make up for missed time on Tuesday. I want to talk to her about one of my previous diary entries.

I just read my girlfriend's diary, and I'm a bit upset. We both are feeling bad, and I feel largely at fault. I fear she has had enough of me, and again I feel at fault. But there are some things she again keeps on assuming instead of asking.

Our problem (in my opinion) is that we both talk about things, and then we both push each other by trying too hard because neither of us listened. The answer is to slow down. This is something Spring has said over and over again, but we both continue to rush on in.

I am not questioning her love for me. And she hasn't questioned my love for her.

Something I need to ask myself: Do I like the person I am when I'm with Spring? And that answer depends.

I do like it when I'm at her house and painting, or when we go out shopping, or when we are both fooling around. I feel good about myself.

I do like it when we are together on the dance floor, or standing in a big crowd of people and talking.

I don't like it when we are cuddling and I feel like she isn't interested in me. No, this doesn't mean she isn't. But my insecurities kick in and *bamf* I get upset.

Ironically I don't have as much fun with sex. Not that it is bad, but I don't feel equal in it. Specifically, I don't feel like I'm capable of pleasing her. But I've been practicing and listening.

I'm not focusing on her here, just how I feel. You can't be in a relationship if you don't understand your own feelings. And she has pointed out that I'm not doing that.

That said, I'm under the impression she is going to call for a break. If she does, I understand. If she doesn't ... well, while I'd be pleased, I don't think we would have learned anything.

But I think we need a break, and not a break-up.

She needs to give me a chance to show that I can be mature, but I would like her to also work on some things too.

My biggest fear is how do breaks work? What is to stop two people from just drifting apart?

In a way, we (together) made the biggest mistake. Most of our time together has been spend in the company of others. Clubs, parties, or with a few other friends. The last several times we've talked, we've mostly talked about our issues. Less about how we think about the world and life, and more just about how we feel about each other.

A friend of mine suggested that we just go to a park for a few hours. Nothing more. I wrote weeks ago about Gayla kites. Even then I recognized the problem and wanted nothing more than for the two of us to just hang out and fly a kite (I don't even know if she likes kites).

And Spring was suggesting (but I didn't listen) that we go to a bar with Redwood last weekend. It was my idea to not do that. I think the idea of going to a bar was fantastic, but I didn't listen and thought we had to make a Shrine appearance.

Well, I'll think about this more ... I don't want to hurt Spring. I still love her. In fact, I wouldn't be hurt if I didn't. I know she can understand that.

-=-

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