2001-03-21 - 09:25 a.m.

There are mornings that you can't but help that the world is conspiring to make you laugh. These mornings always coincide with the times that you most need it and naturally absolutely are disgusted by each and every such event.

I ended my day of no sleep yesterday by finally crashing in the comfort of my own bed at 4:15 PM. While I needed the sleep, I had a series of nightmares. Among them was one in which either I had grown or my apartment / world had shrunk. I could barely walk down my hallway. My clothes were all too small to fit and the ceiling was closing in on me. Add all this to the fact that I was already hot and sweaty, still tired, and probably thirsty.

I hate small places. More appropriately I hate places that make me feel big. Sitting under a bed or table is fine, as long as I know I can quickly run out if needed. In college Trent and Bane would trap me under a popazon (sp?) chair. They'd hand me a book and would say, "Too bad, you will just have to sit still." Then they'd take turns sitting on top of my cage.

It was nice to get attention, but at the same time it was demeaning to be trapped. Yes, I understand that they wanted to spend time with me, but I didn't appreciate that it was not as an equal. I liked it at first, but after a few minutes I did feel confined, trapped, suffocated. My normal reaction was actually to just take a nap ... lot of good that did, as I wasn't then listening to them talk.

So my nightmare seems to me to again having been passing images of entrapment to me. My world was closing around me. Oddly in my dream I felt neverous about the fact that I should have been cleaning my apartment. I hate messy apartments ... it is a sign of a lazy person and one who I just always fear looks for the easy way out of situations. In fact, I believe a lot of people who "I have no opinion" do in fact have opinions, but are lazy and not exactly the type of people I can trust. Lazy people help themselves first, and sometimes at the expense of their friends.

The same goes for a lazy appearance. I like people who put some effort into their appearance. Oh, this is a very hard task, as if you are active, lipstick or something that isn't a t-shirt is going to make you hotter and limit your contact with people.

I awoke last night around 7 PM when Grover called. She was worried about me, and offered to come over. My apartment was a mess and I want our relationship to be one where she doesn't always feel like she is seeing the negative sides of me. I wanted to have fun with her ... for nothing in the rest of our lives to come out. And for that I really needed to get some clothes on, to clean my place, and find energy. Instead I just asked her if I could call her back.

Which I did, around 8 PM. We talked for about an hour and a half. Though most of our conversation centered on how to deal with your lover bringing in a new person, I feel as though she really was giving me completely non-biased information based on real working experience. Basically she had some great things to say.

I feel asleep again around 10 PM after having a few glasses of milk. Don't know why, but milk calms me down. It relaxes me. And I needed it.

Yesterday at work I was about 4 emails away from quiting. The hydrodynamics and water quality models that I run were essentially broken. The visual time series tool I use extensive was broken. And other engineers kept emailing me with STUPID problems. Problems that I kept emailing them back with answers, but they weren't listening. >:( Finally I had enough and screamed to Redwood that I was ready to just quit.

Part is my work situation, and part is the influence of a certain somebody who doesn't work. I don't know how he finds money for rent or food, but he goes to clubs everynight and has plenty of free time to spend on relaxing himself or with others. I want that. I don't like paying for myself and others, and I want just that I don't care about anything lifestyle. Well, at least I think I do.

Leaving work early yesterday was a good idea. Some of the engineers outside of my office just ... well, they cause many problems by taking too many lazy short cuts. Normally I would take the same "it isn't my problem" attitude that others around here take, but it actually is my job to train and support other engineers. But how can I help somebody when I can't help myself? Oh, they had different questions, so the problem was even worse. How can you help somebody who won't let you help them? They were being lazy ... they actually did want me to do their work for them.

Today is looking a bit better. Particle found a sort-of-fix for the model itself. I'll begin to systematically work on the time series stuff. And I've decided to mostly ignore those lazy engineers.

This morning, in addition to spinning Violator (yes, when I'm upset Depeche Mode is my music of choice), I decided it was time to clean my "house". I will start with my desk and computer files. Tonight will be my apartment. Essentially it is time for me to make things work for me. Be a bit selfish. Less mouse like. Say what I want, and make it happen (when it can).

While cleaning my desk I found an easter egg from last year. Naturally curious about the egg and why it was there I opened it.

*BANG* Glitter was everywhere! I totally forgot that I had put a ton of sticky glitter in an egg and left it there with an evil plan to give it to a certain somebody this year around Easter. I was hoping it would cheer her up by glitter bombing her when she least expected it.

So here I sit, in a now mostly clean and hyper organized office, wearing a pair of black levis 505 jeans with tons of glitter on them.

OK, so I cheated today. Instead of dressing nicely I'm in black jeans and a simple pull over (blue-purple-green-purple) shirt. But the office is about 80 F. :(

-=-

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