2001-03-20 - 08:45 a.m.

[NOTE: If you don't like me when I'm mopey, please don't read this entry. I just can't handle hearing about how I'm pushing people away or being self hating and unattractive right now. And work is NOT helping right now. And I got a $1000 credit card bill, which isn't all my money. Things are simply BAD. >:(]

They say when you really need it, your spiritual guides will come to you. I don't know why, but I can't seem to do anything right and respect is something that people just don't give me.

I got back from Death Guild's 8 year anniversary at 3:40 AM, but I couldn't fall asleep. I actually did fall asleep by 6:30 AM. I watched each and every minute of the clock pass by before that. I believe the time between 3 AM and 4 AM is called the "Hour of the Wolf". It is the time of the night when you can hear your heart beat.

Why the mouse imagery? Well, a friend of mine likes to remind me and tell all of her friends that I am a mouse. I am OK with that to a point. But I don't want to feel like I'm treated as a mouse. I do have feelings.

I left Death Guild probably about 15 minutes before it closed and took a walk through San Francisco. I was mad. And I saw something that reminded me who I am (even if I don't like it). Mice. Funny thing was nobody noticed I was gone. Nobody cared, if they had, they would have followed.

Normally mice run away at signs of predators. Apparently while I was head hung down and just lightly walking on the street (no stomping last night) I managed to sneak up on three of them.

The first one actually was curious. He came out and looked at me a few times, then finally decided I was actually big and dangerous and dove into a metal grate for a tree. The other two just sort of hugged the shadows of some newspaper vending machines.

It is funny, but I've always known and flipped back and forth about denying the truth that my animal guides are rodents. As a kid I liked them and celebrated Ground Hog's day. As an adult I have mixed feelings about mice. I think they are cute, but I myself always fail to respect them. How could they have let me come so close? What if I wanted to eat them?

Realistically the mice must have known those S.F. streets so well that a human stood no chance of catching them, but it still strikes me as odd that one of them did stop and investigate me. I called to him by making a tweaking sound that I used with my hamsters, and I suspect that interested the mouse.

Anyway, I couldn't help but feel a sort of connection. They were hiding from the world, and I do it all the time too. I hide from my friends, and when some of them hurt me, even if by accident, I leave. I try in so many ways to let them know that I just want to be heard, listened to. And when they don't, I leave.

A friend of mine once wrote that she feared that one day I'd end up in a relationship were my wife would order me around. That she wouldn't respect me. It is something I worry about happening. One of my fears lately his that I'm already in a similar situation.

I also look to the mouse to find what positive qualities mice bring to a person. Ironically I test as a personality type "6" with a "4 wing". 6 personalities are phobic/anti-phobic. Your classic rebels. So afraid of some things that they push themselves harder in other areas to prove they aren't afraid or hide from their fears. And they get annoyed with other people when they have fears. The 4 personalities are your artists ... they are dramatic, and see everything in black-n-white.

I see mice as being phobics, but I need to listen to the SF mice to hear what they do positively.

(1) While all rodents are inherentily destructive, mice do really leave only the tiniest of marks on an environment. They are sufficient and collecting things.

(2) They are agile and swift and quick learning. They rely on their skill to survive, not their appearance. When something is in the way, go around it.

Those are about the only good qualities. I wish there were more.

I'm so tired. It is hard working in an environment were people constantly ask you questions and having to be responsible. I wish I didn't have a job and could stay out all night, and that I didn't have to drive people around or bankroll people ... and the thanks I get, a pat on the head. I think I'd like to hear, "Contour, you make a positive difference in my life! There is so much I count on you for, and I want you to know it isn't unnoticed."

-=-

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