2001-03-17 - 14:42:47

After getting home from work yesterday I phoned Spring. Talking to her helps, it helped a great deal. I'm still upset about things and worried, but less about her. I'm really worried and keep asking myself: "Why did I sit next to the homeless woman? Why was I polite? Why didn't I yell at her when she started touching me?"

I got out of my seat when she tried to put her arm behind me. She asked me why and I said I thought she was leaving. Instead of sitting down again next to Stompy I sat next to the woman.

That was part of it. I don't like following people around. So I didn't want to follow Stompy. In fact, I really don't like it when people follow me around either.

But still, part of me wonders if I put out signals for abuse ... if there was something years ago that the babysitter either saw or conditioned in me. This kind of uncomfortable touching, sometimes sexual thing, is not uncommon.

The big reason I probably became a goth was I hanged out with an early school gear head (who's folks were hippies and older sister a legit punk) and then Bane who really was a new romantic (which is what electronica / gothic people were called back in the mid 80s in Texas). Then when I discovered gothic clubs and larger numbers of gothic people, I noticed how less touching and groping go on with strangers.

People are affectionate and I consider myself a very affectionate person. I love to give and recieve hugs. But I still am not super confident in myself and I hate it when women or men (I get both in nearly equal numbers) display too much of an interest in me. At the goth clubs if I avoid a person for a few weeks, that interest wanes.

I forget that non-gothic people will also touch without permission and I feel like I have less respect.

I enjoy how people dance alone.

So still being shaken up, I asked Redwood to pick me up and take me to Club Sanctuary in Sacto with him. I did not want to be alone last night. Not that I'd do anything rash, but the bottom line was I am still afraid of myself.

Sanctuary is a fun club. It is the second worst venue there is (Shrine is actually worse), but the sets are well mixed (slighted towards industrial these days) and the people are interesting. Lil'Mikey was there. He usually runs over and gives me a big hug. I don't know why, but I really like Lil'Mikey hugs. There are few guys I would cuddle with, he is actually one. No sex, but I would love to just hug him and he is a blast to dance silly with.

Sanctuary usually has many women there, and there were a few cute girls: one rivet, one rivet-inclined, one gothic, that I thought were ... well cute. I was actually debating talking to one of them. I may if I see her at Shrine (as sometimes I've seen her there too).

Tonight I doubt if Grover will join us. I've not heard from her in days. I am worried, but I'm assuming her issue is school related. I also want to talk to her about what I consider very good news.

And I also hope to spend some time with Musicia. I like her, I'll be very upfront about that. Largely because about a month ago she started showing a let's be friends interest in me. She is older than me, very mature, and very well read. She also takes a huge interest in my work life, which is nice. And we so far have talked little other than music and work. We'll see, she is just easy to talk to.

Though I don't know if she considers me a pest or not. I'm hoping not. Two weeks ago I brought a blue velvet frog to Shrine and she wouldn't let go of him. Sometimes a girl liking your frog is just a girl liking your frog. The frog is cute, but I didn't know if that might have been a way to get me to hang around her more. As a few weeks before that she invited me to sit with her. *sigh* Yeah, I've got a crush on her. She is a rivet, knows more about music than most everybody, is sweet, a dancer, and very open minded.

So while staying with Redwood last night he has been showing me all of his pictures from the past couple of years. I talk about how afraid I am, he shows me pictures. An interesting one was of Mr. Happy.

In my "I'm not a goth" days at Texas A&M I had a Mr. Happy doll I would carry with me for adventures. Never to class. Think Love & Rockets. Think Bubblemen. That was kinda me.

Trent and Bane were your streotypical mostly all black wearing, everything Aliens and SciFi and spooky and very dead was cool guys. I was the third guy of our padre ... I was kinda the life glyph. Mostly whites and tans. High energy. Bouncing everywhere and talking about how they both should just cheer up and stop complaining all the time.

So naturally this began a 4 year game of them torturing and hiding my Mr. Happy. Mr. Happy was swirled in a toliet, set on fire (for but a second), and always hidden ... usually out in the rain on a tree branch that I'd have to throw rocks at to get him out. How did they do these things? Face it, bored mopey goths are always more clever and dangerous than a perki goth.

Perkies have the power of energy, probably usually they are manic-depressives like myself, but perkies get our way by inudation and just raw power.

Mopies will their contests by out thinking people.

The battles between the two usually are marked by the perkies winning the earliest contests, because they can find a way out of most mundane plots and traps. Then as the mopies recognize the patterns in their particular perki friend's solutions to life, they take advantage of this and make life a living hell (though an extremely interesting one) for the perkies.

I would have been bored out of my skull and felt very left out if I wasn't tormented for 5 years at Texas A&M. Every perki goth needs smart mopies to force us to expend every drop of energy.

And the beauty of this, is revenge is just something that never occurs to a perki mind. Hell, just by existing we annoy people.

When I hear from my friends in the Bay Area talking about me, they all think they are older, more mature, and slower than me. I am annoying, but they still hang with me. I think they might see this perki element in me. They know I'm not purposefully trying to bring disorder to things. Hell, I want a universe of rules where little kids aren't molested. Where people don't go on the defensive and can trust others. Where things are relaxed and what you do alone, you can do in a group without fear of not meeting somebody's expectations.

This now goes back to my biggest fear. I think my anxiety goes back to I believe if I let somebody, like a sexual partner down, that she'll be like my baby sitter. She'll vanish. No, I didn't want my baby sitter to do that nor be there again. But I need to be reminded that what we did was fun and will be done again.

It makes it hard because I've really only been sexual for a short time. And I am comparing myself to people who typically have had years of sex among different partners and several times a week. That is good. But I still can't meet those expectations and always need to know that my performance is not being judged. And yet, people always judge ... I miss just being a care free Mr. Happy supporter.

-=-

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