2001-03-16 - 18:11:17

I just got off the Sacramento light rail, and it was an eventful ride. Last night Spring redyed my hair blue (though people are still calling it purple in the office), an apparently electric blue attracts homeless women.

I have to ride to light rail every time I go from headquarters (the real name of my office) to the environmental services office. The Sacramento light rail has lots of people who can't afford to own cars riding it, and has a reputation for attracting some pretty seedy people.

Today Stompy and I sat next to a homeless person (gender not easily identified).

She started mummbling, which is hard for me to hear. My hearing is actually fine, but my ability to distinquish sounds from words is not. In part this comes from the fact that as a child I had a speach impediment. I went into counciling for a few years for this ... and it really makes it hard to talk about this, especially when people remind me that I have a short attention and can't hear things. In grade school it was OK, because this was marked on my permanent record, so special circumstances were made for me and teachers were extremely understanding (most of the time).

I couldn't understand the homeless lady (It turns out she was a bearded lady) except for a few words. Apparently she claims I am from London and that I was the love child of President Nixon and John Lennon. Nice. :p I get to be an evil president with an ugly nose and a hippy.

She was so far out of it that she was asking me why I dyed my sideburns red. That was when she started rubbing my head. I really wanted to run. To leave.

Stompy was there and gave the woman strange looks, but ... I just didn't want to be touched by somebody I didn't know. Strangely it did hurt. I couldn't be rude, but I couldn't stay there.

Oddly this ties into something that I am reluctant to talk about, but circumstances seem to be driving me to the point that I should. Spring came over last night and we talked for a long time. We drank Particle's homemade brew, which did not give me a buzz. How odd.

While talking Spring brought up several things, including my problems with relationships (such as panicing) and my problems with physical intimacy and climaxing. About one year ago I told her about what happened to me as a child. Two things, but I guess I feel OK to talk about one.

A babysitter who lived across the street did molest me. There I said it.

The details that I remember? She put me and my brother to bed, but then sat on the side of the bed next to me. I can't remember how old I was or what was said or done afterwards ... I don't know if my parents know or my brother who was in the room. But after that night we had a new babysitter, a highschool boy from several streets over.

The girl was in highschool. I must have been in elementry school. Anyway, she was trying to give me a hand job. She was talking about stuff, but I can't remember what.

I did feel dirty. I knew this wasn't right, and it wasn't something I wanted at all. But she was in charge. My parents told me to do whatever she said and I didn't want to create a bad role model with my brother there.

I still don't remember what happened after this. She kept her clothing on, but I was naked ... which was odd, since I didn't sleep naked as a kid.

No, I don't want to say more about that right now ... but I guess there are issues.

Enough of them that I know for a fact that when somebody like ShortRound (who other engineers call V.D. and I will start to as well, he is creepy) or this homeless woman touches me in a situation at work I feel like I can't flick them off and fight back.

If I were at a club, say Shrine, and a gross woman started petting my head, I like to think that I'd push their hands away and scream, "NO!".

I really can understand how women feel, and this is why I only let a very few people touch me. I feel a strong connection with them.

I did feel violated on the train. In fact, it happened only 30 mins ago and I still can't get back to work. I want right now to talk to Redwood or Spring ... how can I get Redwood out of the office to talk about this? Spring, well I want to talk to her.

I feel very bad that she politely asked me about this very subject last night. I didn't know how to explain it. I love her and I want nothing more than to spend an entire night just touching her and having her touch me. But this morning when I asked her to phone me and she said she wouldn't it hurt a wee-bit.

Hush, not as in drama hurt. And I'll see her again. :) In fact, now I know what it is like for Wingtip ... always having to run to work while with her. No, last night with Spring was incredible and very healthy.

But I just felt bad about leaving her at my place and about telling her that I couldn't talk about my two issues because she hadn't opened up to me.

Redwood noticed I was off balance and asked me in general terms what we talked about. Just general terms. Anyway he pointed out my mistake. People have to talk to their lovers and friends only when comfortable.

When Spring pressed me to talk about being molested I should not have said, "No, because I want you to talk to me about stuff." That is wrong. That is focusing on me.

Redwood pointed out how much an idiot I am. That here she was laying down a general opportunity for me to talk about it and get nothing but support. I wasn't ready last night. Apparently I am today.

Spring, I do listen to you. I am not perfect, far from in fact. And I don't like it when you think I mean stuff ... but sometimes you do some wonderful things that I miss out on. Give me a chance to grow some, and with help from my other friends I'll get there.

She is totally correct now. My performance problem is totally centered on the presence of other people. It pisses me off to see how jumpy I am around people and strangers touching me. How hard it is. And I do need to talk to my therapist, boss, friends, and most importantly lover about this.

I only hope Spring reads this tonight. It is going to take me some time to heal, as she is totally right, I did purposefully try to ignore that this ever happened.

-=-

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