2001-03-10 - 05:19:20

Well, today things are starting to just get worse. On the work, friendship, and finally relationship fronts.

I'll start with friendship. I'm already stressed on the other two fronts, but Redwood and I got into a small argument about fertility. Basically they are planning on cloning humans, something he is opposed to because of over population and something I'm in favour of because it sucks to be infertile. I'm always afraid I am, and I like the thought that I'm not a genetic dead end. Doesn't mean I want to replicate myself, but I don't like to think that I'm a retart or something.

Then Bronco comes in my office to tell me that one of her graduate students committed suicide! Her last year at UC Davis, where I went to school to, she had this new master's student working for her. Well, he killed himself last week. She feels terrible because she gave him a hard time. He treated her like an asshole, but she is still beating herself up.

I didn't know what to say. I wanted to tell her I donate part of my pay check to a suicide prevention group. That I've briefly talked to Stompy, our boss, about this. That I seriously considered it myself ... right while under her and her husbands watchful eyes.

But all that would just hurt her all the more. I wanted to actually spend tonight with her and talk about it.

Since my weekend is over after Halo's birthday (yes I drove all the way from Sacto to San Jose just for Halo), I plan to go up and be there for her. I know that Bronco and Cloud would do the same for me. I just don't know how much to tell them.

Suicide for me was about loosing control. I felt like I wasn't myself. Like other people were controlling me and yelling at me for things I couldn't help.

The issue was I didn't know how or if I could take back that control.

I wanted to make an ultimate statement and to hurt people emotionally, perhaps sending the message "stop fucking caring only about yourself and pay attention and be kind to other people".

All too often people, especially loved ones are hurtful. They call it honesty, but part of growing up is learning that you can be honest without hurting somebody's feelings. Back a few years ago my father was the one I felt the most resentment towards.

I was convinced I would drive my car into a freeway pillar. I figured it would send several messages, and that he'd know that since the car was originally his and something I worked on with him, that it was neither an accident and my way of rejecting a lifestyle handed to me. I also was pissed at my friend at the time, Bane, who was demanding way to much of me.

It didn't help that I was always paying for Bane. He didn't have a job for months... and just sat around.

People who don't have jobs (like students) don't really understand the pressures of professional work. You are gone for 50-60 hours a week, constantly answering to everybody. No privacy, no free time, little creativity.

Then when they ask you to shop for them it just is too much. Especially when they run off on little adventures. In Bane's case it was sight seeing. But other people I know are just as bad.

I need to find a way to talk to Bronco about this. But she is going to feel bad for not seeing this in me either. My point is you can't. Somebody who really is suicidal will hide their feelings. I did, and nobody knew.

Do I fear about feeling that way again. Yes, but I don't right now. Oh, there is the work and relationship crap going on right now.

But I know that there are four people for me beyond family that I can count on to different degrees: Stompy (I think), Bronco and Cloud, and then Redwood. There are others, but to be honest, I don't trust them right now. Not in light of recent events.

Work: After Asilomar all the seniors are now planning for new projects. Work in our office tends to focus on actual studies and less on model development. Development is harder to measure and takes longer, so trying to "building" resumes for themselves, at least 3 of the senior engineers are trying to rebuilding my section in how they think things should be done. But they are not working together.

They are privately talking to us all, and collecting "official" memos.

It is just too much to seem them working against each other. They aren't communicating at all. They aren't watching for signs and helping each other.

So the section chief called a meeting for just them today to address this. Immediately after the meeting one of the seniors came up to me and said that he wanted some ideas! Then I heard another one talking to Redwood with counter ideas.

They both missed the point of their meeting. This isn't a race to fight for what little developing resources we have.

On top of all this, I just really want to do studies. I've had too much and I need to call for help.

Relationships: when you tell your lover (in an emotional sense) that she has been mean and insensitive, I at least expect her to apologize. I'm not getting support or this. In fact, her latest email seemed to say if I want a break, I can have it. I'm tired of always being the one with the problem. I'm tired of being the one who messed up when trying to help her with her school. I just can't remember when she told me why she likes me or what the last thing I did she liked was.

It is funny, but while I do feel like she is trying to control me, I don't care that much. I care enough to write about it, but if things are going to change, she has to make the effort. It can't always be up to me. I feel like I'm providing a lot of emotional support, I certainly pay for lots of things. I do get some emotional support back, but never a simple, "I'm sorry. You were right." It is as if there is a contest of wills here. I tell her when she is right about things, but never me.

That gets old and frankly I do deserve better, even if I snore (which apparently other people have been lying to me about).

Part of growing up ... becoming more mature is learning that honesty doesn't not mean you should be insensitive or hurt people's feelings. It is called "TACT" to learn how to help your friends and lovers without hurting them. And when you are called out on this, you should learn to swallow your pride and become supportive.

Oh, I'm still very mad. More so because I don't think she is listening to me or admitting that I'm not really the sole problem. That I can be right, and that she hasn't explored everything she can do.

All this for a stupid thing too ... snoring! Grover told me I snore, but not loud. Particle said I breathe loud, but not bad nor enough to keep anybody awake. Cricket, who used ear plugs, never complained. Are they all polite or is somebody trying to push me away?

Now I'm told sometimes marriages break up over snoring. I don't think I'll love somebody less if they pick their nose (just an hypothetical example). And I certainly forgive people even when they make it very hard for me to help them, by pushing me away when they are crying. You know, sometimes I just don't feel welcomed, and there are people out there (some of who I spend time with) that won't treat me poorly.

I am a good person. I mean well, and I am honest ... I am open to new ideas. And when I promise to do something for somebody, I don't flake out for months. When my friends are down, I'll drive from Sacto to San Jose, even if I feel like crap. I certainly don't have to have sex every week (though I'd love to) and I wouldn't flake on somebody just to run off for a poke.

Oh, I'm bitter, but that is because I feel like by now that I'd have earned a bit more respect and trust. Maybe it is there, but I need it right now. Work is though, old wounds are opened, and I'm just getting pushed away more.

-=-

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