2001-02-12 - 03:52:07

I'm at my folks and I've been thinking about this weekend. Things certainly weren't bad, just not what I was ready for.

First though I wanted to talk about moral. There is an engineer in my office who has a PhD who was hired on in Nov. They thought he'd be pretty bright, but I'm having my doubts. He has spent 3 months trying to learn the model we use, which actually is normal, but he has in my opinion made no progress.

The issue that arised is that on Wednesday he told everybody in the group that he felt like he was deadweight. While some of us had already privately been talking about this, he really hurt is image in front of us all. Basically it is OK to have a low self esteem, but you shouldn't tell everybody about it.

This has made for an incredibly stressful work environment. I have a hard time relating to many of my Bay Area friends. They are either students and have their folks paying for things or they work part time or not at all so they have loads of free time. They seem to act as if I do too. My distance and time really frustate me. Add this to worries about work ... and I think things are harder on me.

Basically my moral has been pretty low lately. I know what I think would help, but I don't want to say.

Somebody keeps telling me to stand up for myself, and I have been. I started a few times, saying "no". I'm afraid it comes off bratty ... but this is how I'm gonna learn.

I want to help at work, but I need to get my future studies ready. My new PC is fast, but is still having other problems. Now add in the fact that a few engineers are pressuring me to move into their sections, that a co-worker is watching his marriage and family fall apart, and I feel like there are two engineers in my section who would be better in a design and build firm ...

Finally what amounts to insecurities and jealously on my part because my friends in the Bay Area ... well I just feel like they are always leaving me out of their lives and plans. And when they do include me it is as a bus driver.

I don't like people to think I'm always depressed. I'm not. I just write more when I am.

But it also is hard when your support (your friends) are part of the reason you are depressed. Or are they?

I can't help but think about what Spring told me about bringing work problems home? But is it too much to ask that she slow our relationship down so we can work on it?

It is unfair of me to ask that she always be interested in me. She did a good job telling me she loved me, but actions speak louder than words and when she left today it just had a icy feeling. But the insecure part keeps thinking about how poor I am in bed (and that I snore ... it hurts to hear that I do ... I have looked into medical reasons) and wonder if that is why she was so interested in Mixer this weekend. If that is why she wanted to be with him after the show and when we went out to eat.

Originally I was supposed to plan a trip for the 4 of us to LA. It would have been Mixer, Wingtip, me, and Spring. Basically her two boyfriends and one of her affectionate friends. I don't think this is a good idea, and even if I'd go ... knowing that I'd bankroll much of the trip, I really would like somebody else to plan this. Especially because if I plan it, I'd be the one who would get yelled at if I didn't know something and this makes me feel underappreciated.

It is hard work getting a bunch of people to do things. And I really hate imposing on people and ordering them around. So why is it always my job?

Well, tomorrow is a holiday and I'll take it easy at my folks place. I have to get a phone to one of Cricket's friends pronto.

I also need to start planning my trip to see Cricket. Part of me is looking forward to seeing her again. Yeah, I had a crush on her, but I really vaule our friendship and think it will be good for me to take care of myself.

Goodnight,

-=-

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