2001-02-11 - 20:10:07

Thursday night I watched Shadow with a Vampire. What a wonderful film. Basically it is a movie about making a movie in the 1920s. Go see it.

Grover pressured me into going. I didn't want to, but I had a great time.

She asked me to sleep over at her place that night, and I was tempted, but I wanted to get a good night sleep for when Spring arrived *and* I wanted to talk to Spring about this.

Friday night I just was by myself cleaning my place in prep for the party I hosted here Saturday night. I don't know why I host parties. I hate the feeling when people leave as couples and I've got an empty apartment and have to clean it myself. It becomes such a mess.

Saturday night: four industrial bands! It was a concert I've been looking forward to forever, so well ... it did rock. System Syn (which I didn't really care for), N-Vitro (rocked), Imperative Reaction (very very good), and din_fiv (which I've seen before and rocks).

The night was fine. People showed up LATE at my place, I cooked pizzas and shelled out drinks to them, while they got drunk. Redwood didn't drink either, 'cause he was driving.

But despite all the fun, I'm realizing that rarely do I get pampered. Cricket was good about making me dinner and helping out, and Redwood picks up my slack. But right now I just want to crawl in a hole.

It is what is a relationship? I technically have a girlfriend, and at times it is wonderful ... but other times I feel more like a sugardaddy. Because it seems like I have to be "responsible" driving and taking care of everybody.

Basically "get Redwood", "find Mixer", "ask everybody what they want", "talk to so-and-so". I get all these orders and don't feel like I can just hang out, while she hangs out.

I just need somebody to surprise me and do something for just me. Something special. A night where I don't drive, where I don't clean, where I can get drunk, where I can feel comfortable ... and not at my parents house.

That is OK though. I'm going to drive to my folks place tonight and just hang out with my brother. I also think last night is the end of parties at my place for some time. I'll have them again, but not for some time.

She says I like hosting parties ... in a way I like it, but in other ways I don't.

I also am hurt that I get to see my girlfriend maybe once a week, and when I do I have to share her. Is it too much to ask that after a live industrial show that she come up to you, instead of going to another friend?

It is about I like to be chased. But it seems more and more like I have to start things.

Man, I wish I had a international calling program. I don't care what time it is, but I want to talk to Cricket right now. :(

I'll be OK, but I'm afraid right now.

-=-

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