2001-01-02 - 14:50:49

Back at work, new year.

Doh, I should rotate my calendar. Well I'll do that after writting this. I've got my model running at work. I looked at my results and didn't feel confident about them, so I'm redoing it. Obsessive Complusive, I'm sure. Usually I get things right, but I don't like telling people something if I don't know for sure.

I guess I should start with my New Year's Resolutions:

- Continue to Stair Climb at work.

- Cut back more on non-chicken meat (including hamburgers).

- Work on dealing with medical / doctors, but getting physical and standard VD test (it is a base line, but I need to do it).

- Be more assertive. Spring and Sparky both thing I need to explore this more (though Sparky I'm convinced wants this for herself, and I don't like that). I also need to tell people when they are bothering me instead of internalizing it.

- Sell my car.

- Sell my computer.

- Focus on the Professional Engineers Exam.

- Start seriously scouting for a job / profession in the Bay Area that I'd be happy about.

I want to talk about the last one a bit. I like, no I love, my current job. It isn't perfect, but nothing is. But it really upsets me that this job isn't in the Bay Area. I always am much more comfortable there. I know the area better than I give myself credit and it really is home.

I need to find an engineering job there, but one that also makes me feel good about myself. I don't understand the personal statisfication people get from so many jobs.

It is hard living out here. Spring mentioned how she wished I was a college boy and had time off. Yup, Spring you are right, I want that too. I also think it would rock if one day she had off if she drove up for just a work night. The time we'd have would be short, but then she'd see me the way Cricket always does.

Right now I'm listening to the EBM Mix I made for Wingtip. Based on what I've seen him dancing to, I don't think he'll like it. But the point was to expose Wingtip to beat driven EBM music.

Oh, this is an awesome mix, and it has stuff I know that all the rivetkids really get into a Frenzy over.

It is funny. Sexcat was chasing me and really pissed me off on NYE asking to have sex with me. But um ... I'll talk to her. Anyway, she ran up and screamed, "Look, I'm such a Deathrocker!"

I told her how right now the last thing I wanted to see was an old school deathrocker chick. She insisted that deathrockers were cool. Nice, but um ... no, I really perfer my rivetgirls.

That is another thing that bugs me about Sexcat. She always is trying to build a new identity and doesn't have one of her own. I really don't like people who don't have their own identities, but need other people's.

OK, so I consider myself a SF rivetkid. In fact, many people in the scene call me a rivetkid now. Gearheads and RivetHeads (the older ones) totally seem to enjoy talking to me and giving me friendly advice. No, make that lots of people see me as a younger them.

I'm OK with this. But I am also doing things my own special way. A few people admit that while I'm a rivetkid, I'm also not like the rivetkid crowd and it is common knowledge that I don't really hang with them.

I try to be unique, but not just to be different. More to just be who I am.

So I can't really get into somebody who is into a Pokemon trend or jumping on a rivet, then later a deathrock bandwagon. Sexcat just keeps making all sorts of mistakes around me. That and her Jonnie rubs me the wrong way. He just annoys me. Nothing personal, but his "story". Yes, he has so few and they all are tied to Perki or how much better he is than his friends. Jonnie just needs more time to grow used to California.

I'm so happy that I'll get to see Spring this weekend. It has been weeks (literally) since we've had time together. I'm worried about it though. She keeps assuring me that while she feels different, a part of me thinks she'll come to the conclusion that she has lost romantic interest in me.

And I'm being stupid here too! She spent hours last night talking to me, and hours updating nude pictures of me. No, she still cares about me. And I care about her. I just want things to be right between the two of us, and I feel powerless ... that is where my fear comes from.

-=-

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