2000-12-18 - 14:07:19

I smoked for the first time this weekend. I think I did OK.

I got not drunk, but sick. :( Redwood told me this morning that his "Nyquil" drink was 3/4 alcohol. There is little doubt that the drink I had (which tasted terrible) was far more potent than anybody else's. Redwood pours hard drinks ... and basically he had the most to drink, then me.

I was buzzing, and Spring kept yelling at me to finish my drinks. I didn't want to, but I also don't like hurting her feelings. I talked to her about this Saturday night, but I'm not sure (based upon her diary) that she understands me completely. She said something that confuses me still. It doesn't hurt me, it just worries me ... it is about how she feels like she is always the pursuer (which is confusing, I try to show her so much attention!). I also need to point out that me talking to Grover is something I've totally done on my own when she isn't around ... and everything I do with my butt plug, again me! I can take care of myself, and I do challenge myself ... I do pursue things for me. I wonder if she is forgetting this?

Hmmm, I don't understand it. Well, I'll just talk to her about this later. :) I'll _ask_ instead of worrying about it.

I had my third dream about about Cricket. Last night I dreamt that I was in my townhouse (a made up place) in Wyoming and I walked into one of the bed rooms and found her boyfriend asleep with his hair short and Cricket naked. She and I were both very embarassed, so I shut the door and left.

Nothing sexual, but rather this dream illustrates two of my fears. First, I am afraid about not seeing Cricket anymore. I'll be OK, but my subconscious just isn't ready yet, so it is telling me.

Second, I am afraid I may be hurt about how openly affectionate they will be in each other's presence, while I'll feel like a third wheel again.

I've not met Cricket's boyfriend, but she talks about him a lot and thinks we'll like each other. He sounds friendly, and so I am looking forward to meeting him.

Another nightmare I had last night was about work. I dreamt that two of the higher up bosses bleached my hair to get the colour out. It was a silly dream.

I think most dreams are. But it is odd how some people I dream about and others whom I've known longer I've not had a single dream about. Oh well.

I guess I'm having nightmares about my fears. It isn't like I'm that focused on them. All Sunday I just tried to get online (my connection was down all day) and built legos and worked on my web page.

And the party at my place was good. The most important thing is I am telling myself that next time Spring tries to get me to drink, I'll tell her a FLAT NO! I mean when she tries to give me too much.

She said she thought I forgot about my drink. She clearly doesn't understand what it is like when I'm half drunk. I knew my drink was there. She just needs to relax more and let me worry about my drink. Once it is poured, I either drink it or not. It really isn't a big deal.

I took Firebug and Bigred to the mall. Now Bigred is a great driver, but those two don't know how to shop at all. :( I'm sorry, but when you are dressed in black and at a mall, just walk fast. People _will_ get out of your way. It isn't rude, as you can weave around them. But malls and crowds make me neverous, so I don't like spending much time in them.

Oh! I saw Grover at the Indian resteruant in Davis. I wanted to talk to her, but Spring was seated next to her, so I talked to Grover's boyfriend. He was nice to me. :) This is a good sign.

I'll talk to Grover later in email. I just have a good feeling about her.

I should mention that it was nice of Spring to try and work me through my hangover and vomitting. Thanks Spring!

I will see Spring in January next. She is about to spend a week or two with Wingtip (her boyfriend who seems to not wear boots). ;) I'm sure she'll have a blast, the two of them always do.

-=-

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