2000-12-10 - 17:40:31

Yesterday while talking to Cricket on the phone, she said something along the lines of "both of the women in your life right now are having a hard time".

There was something in that that I didn't catch at first. That is her awareness that she is one of the women in my life. Funny that.

She and Spring are having a hard time. And it troubles me that I can't help either of them.

And this also means there are things called my problems that I've put on hold for them. I won't get into that.

But last night at Bound I did realize something thanks to two friends, Grover and Spunky. I talked to them both. It wasn't something Grover said, but she is just there. Well, that and she emailed me first thing this morning. Spunky though said some things that hit home.

Grover is a grad student at Davis, who lives in cow town, and now is going to be moving into Davis. :) I'm so happy.

So Grover has a serious boyfriend. Spring does too, and my relationship with her has taught me that I have basically little or no say. So Grover also has another girlfriend.

I'm not sure what Grover sees in me, but after last night, it was pretty apparent that she is interested in me.

It helps that she is a domme. Not a switch (except for her boyfriend). So I'm sure we'll find some common play time. I've been told I don't know how to top, so I just need to play more and I think Grover can teach me a lot.

Grover topped me back in November. And it was fun. So I expect to ask her this week about private place and seeing if maybe it is something we both like.

It sounds like I have been looking for a domme, but really I've been sexually frustrated in a big way. I'm finding I am always the friend, never the lover. And people who have sex or have the mutual agreement with somebody, can't understand how hard it is to know that your feelings and needs are so secondary. Important maybe, but still put asside at times.

Anyway, I'm also afraid. Grover is nice, so I'm not worried about that. I just will take what I've learned and expect nothing from a girl who has another relationship. (It does help that her boyfriend seems comfy with her doing whatever, and he considers me a geek, nothing more, nothing less). I guess I'm a bit bitter about that. Not completely, but if I just treat everything as "whatever" and worry about myself more, maybe I won't hurt myself. I'm thinking of a causual relationship.

It is sad though. It really does seem like nice guys do finish last. So I just won't ... well I'll try to be a bit more distant.

Yes, I'm thinking of a physical relationship, and I don't know if Grover is or not. I'll just ask.

But hanging with her at Bound is fun. Basically I dance, and then go and sit with her. I'm kinda sad she had to leave early ... I wanted to as well.

I still have the stain on my head from where my dye bleed, and my santa hat is now kinda blue.

It was fun dancing with a santa hat on. I will wear it again, probably on Friday night at Sanctuary.

-=-

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