2000-12-07 - 19:22:58

There are some good reasons I like winter, and other reasons I don't.

I'll list the don't first, then try and hit the positives again.

Monday morning one of my best friend's from Texas A&M Paco emailed me. He works for a computer firm and now is a director, and often has week long business trips in the Bay Area. After graduating from A&M Paco visited me once while I was still there. He would visit me in the Bay Area every time he came out. Met my folks, and we'd normally eat out. Once we went to a baseball game, but both got bored at the same time.

We both got bored at the same time. We grinned and both left. This was in 1996. I remember the game well.

Anyway, I was so looking forward to talking with Paco. He even in college started writing a quote book, and apparently his co-workers all know me by name. Apparently I'm a full chapter of his college years. One of his favorite quotes by me, "It's dark outside. I'm awake. Really." Naturally it was dark outside. Anyway, I've always had a knack for saying the obvious.

My favorite was a quote that even taken in context sounds bad, "If a whale happened to walk by." OK, it made perfect sense at the time.

Damn, I really like Paco and his wife Tetris. When I was hospitalized Tetris would visit me several hours a day. She was super kind to me ... hehehe, and saw me in my underwear at a time when I was super shy about that.

Paco is like an older brother to me. Doesn't understand, but he was always there for me.

So he emailed me today to tell me his daughter (she was about 3 years old I think) died this morning.

So it is easy to see why I hate Nov/Dec. Too many people you care about get sick and die. I don't know how she died. I didn't even meet his daughter.

But I knew both her parents and still consider them friends.

Maybe this is part about being 29 years old. Suddenly death is settling in around me and my past is really becoming just that.

Paco will send me his address and I'll send a flower arrangement to Paco and Tetris. If I lived in Texas I'd be driving to Dallas and staying with Trent (another college friend) to be close for Paco and Tetris ASAP.

I'm OK. I've never liked death at all. My mom said this in early November before my grandfather died:

"Are you OK? As a child you had a hard time dealing with retirement homes and older people."

I was OK, but I do remember what she was talking about. I have always had a hard time while sick. I can't stand still ... somehow the thought of anybody old or young not having freedom of movement is terrible! Old folks homes just have always made me sad, because I see lots of people who have the same dreams ... same desires, but their bodies can't do what they want.

My thoughts are with Paco and Tetris. I can image what they are going through. Another saying that comes to mind is, "No parent should ever outlive their child."

My mom said this today: "But what can one really say, I still have trouble with the fact that children have to suffer pain, let alone death. Why does God let that happen? There are reasons, I do believe that, but it may not be for us to know at this time."

I understand most of what she is saying here. I have serious issues with the concept of a "God" when she/he allows this to happen. I just don't like harming my friends, it really tears me up, and don't get me started about my loved ones. I just don't understand it and really don't like the "God's own plan" excuse.

I want to know. To understand. And when I don't know or don't understand, I really can't believe in a God.

Well, Redwood is good today. To cheer me up he decided to build a sling shot out of my rubber band and several pens, and proceed to shoot LEGO men at me. Damn those little smiling men sting when they hit you at 30 mph. ;)

[There is nothing like being beat by toys to cheer you up. But still I want to send flowers and a note to Paco and Tetris.]

My biggest fear, if shitty things continue to happen, maybe one day I will stop feeling hurt. It isn't that I like the hurt, but I'd hate to loose it as I'd feel alone. This is hard to describe. But loosing my grandfather does make this a bittersweet thing, I know what it is like, but I also know some of the pain they are in. Only some, as I suspect your connection with your own daughter is much more significant. Maybe. And Paco and Tetris are two people I'd want to raise me if I was born again in the 90s. Hell, Tetris used to call me her son back in '93.

-=-

<< previous - next >>