2000-11-22 - 15:08:09

OK ... I think I'm doing better now.

At 9:15 this morning my mom called from her work. She never calls. So I knew this was bad.

My grandfather passed away last night. Her father.

She seemed to be doing pretty good, but I had a hard time not crying at work.

Not because I was worried about him. He wanted to die.

I guess it is best that I go back some, but not everything. In August my mom started talking about taking me to Pittsburgh to see my grandfather before he died. He had prostate cancer.

As a child he was healthy, and I remember him bringing meals on wheels food to people his own age. Both my grandparents have been givers. They always have gone out of there way and really taught me that you put your needs below that of your family and others. My parents taught me this too.

Anyway, this Sept and Oct I wanted to stay in California to (1) study for the exam, and (2) go to a stupid concert. I could have missed one class to see my grandfather.

But I told my mom that I couldn't go to California until late Nov. or Jan. My mom insisted that he was dying and that I had to see him. We didn't get into yelling arguements, but we did banter back and forth (which is unusual for us, I really love my mom and try to disagree with her, too many other people do that ... though for some things she needs pushing, like cleaning and planning). Anyway, I feel like a total dick.

I kept telling her that I couldn't go right after Halloween. I had to remove the dye from my hair.

I guess somehow I expected him to die so soon, but was in denial.

I love my blue hair and Spring kept telling me to make it blue again. But she wasn't listening. I couldn't. I couldn't dye my hair blue again if I had to go back to Pittsburgh.

Part of me ... not a logical part, wonders if by not dying my hair if I wanted the "inconvience" of my grandfather's death to not bother me. I don't like this at all.

That just isn't me. But I can't explain why I _knew_ I couldn't dye my hair. It actually needs the dye to stay healthy and I wanted it. But I couldn't have it.

Now it was tough seeing my grandfather in Pittsburgh. I didn't cry, but my grandmother was asking too much of him. He was dying. I should have seeked some closure with him, but I only got half of it.

I remember some good times with him, as well as some bad times. And in Pittsburgh my mom even told me of something I didn't know ... he once struck my brother who yelled at him to never touch him again.

I just don't know, but I'm still worried about my grandmother. They've been married since the Second World War. She doesn't know how to live her own life, and she told my mom that she is OK, but she won't be. I just know it.

I feel especially bad for lying to my grandfather on Nov. 7, 2000.

Damn, I feel so bad. I gave my mom hell for taking me away from the election. Normally I work in the elections as a clerk. It is how I feel like I'm making the world a better place. OK, I also work for the State for this reason. My life has no meaning if I don't help people.

Anyway, of all the days my mom picked I wanted her to not pick that day. It really is special to me. Not in a special I want to spend it with loved ones, but special in "I want to serve my larger community" feeling.

So my grandfather was watching the election results, I was there for a second before anybody else. He didn't remember what day it was. I couldn't see if it was dark or light. He knew who I was and he knew he was about to die.

So when I was leaving he knew he would never see me again. I kissed him on his cheek, but I was afraid to hurt him. Any pressure on his body really would have him scream "Ow ow ow ow". He was in so much pain. He wasn't eating.

I told him, "Granddad, I'll see you again."

It was all I could say. But we both knew he wouldn't live through Feb. I was hoping he could make it through Christmas.

So I lied to him. I was selfish and troubled my mother. And I didn't take the chance to close some doors when I could.

And yet, all this really has me wondering about my own death. I'm told I'm selfish. Yes, I am. I'm looking forward and I want to hold on tight to ever last moment I have before I get cancer, get stuck in a bed for a year and then die in true pain.

I was ready for him to die, or so I thought. It isn't the worst feeling in the world, but frankly it makes all the shit I've been going through lately seem trivial.

So I'm going to be in Pennsylvania in the beginning of winter. Things just keep pulling me there right now. That is OK.

-=-

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