2000-11-20 - 11:55:26

Well for all the sleep I didn't get this weekend, I caught up on it on Sunday.

When Spring left I called Cricket. I didn't want to talk, just listen ... I really just wanted to know somebody was there for me. Redwood is away with his family, otherwise I would have asked him over.

Cricket talked to me, and I'm ashamed to admit that only some of what she was saying could I understand. I was just too much in shock / tired. She is going to be very busy for the next month, because she is about to move to Europe. I really can't let my problems impact her.

This just happened at the worst time.

All I ever here from Spring and her boyfriend is how hard things are on him. Classes ... well, I took classes and worked full time too. In fact, I spent years in school and _not_ getting into relationships. He has a stressful job, which somehow makes it seem like Spring and her boyfriend are trivalizing my own job.

I'm still incredibly hurt that Spring would call me her lover, and yet:

(1) Never once has she told me to my face "I love you."

(2) Rarely would she write this in her diary.

(3) She brought another man to my home and slept with him there without first asking me.

I remember in "the Ethical Slut" that the authors warn about doing just that.

Spring tells me that I'm selfish for always focusing on what I want.

I don't think that is wrong at all.

I realized this weekend, that she really doesn't love me. That in my special place and time, that she would still rather be with her boyfriend even if it hurt me. When she left she still sounded as if she did the right thing.

I can't understand why, and I don't know if I can forgive her.

It isn't the largest of crimes, but still ...

She and her boyfriend constantly tell me how "inexperienced" I am in relationships. OK, I'm inexperienced in sex, but I do know how to treat people.

And talking with married people and friends who were once engaged I've learned this about relationships:

A strong relationship involves doing things you don't want to do and setting asside your feelings and needs for your lover's.

Spring clearly wasn't doing this for me.

That is the bottom line. She'd give me attention, but quickly remind me that "You're not my boyfriend" all too often.

What she doesn't realize is I was tired of waiting.

The sex issue was huge.

She claimed that she talked to her boyfriend months ago about how important I was to her. He said it has only been "a couple of weeks".

Their relationship has a serious communication problem, and I was put in the middle of that.

I fault them both. Her boyfriend didn't ever really respect me, certainly not my needs. When I talked to him, all he really told me was how much he didn't want Spring to have sex with me because he considered me emotionally weak and that I can't expect him to overnight accept me.

As for Spring, when I go back and read her diary, I rarely figure into it at all, and much of it is negative. Sometimes I'm included as "I hung out with some peeps." But not as an individual.

Her boyfriend said I had a stronger relationship with her friends. That is bullshit! When they send out group emails, Spring is often listed first, he comes shortly after her, and I'm at the end somewhere.

Not just once, but this is consistent.

As I wrote yesterday, I still love Spring, but she does hurt me in ways only somebody I love can. It will take some time of simply not seeing her to grow used to the fact that she never returned my love.

This is not a hateful thing to say, simply the truth.

I know that she has been working on her family and her boyfriend to bring me into her life. But she simply hasn't been working hard enough and really should have been working harder on herself. Because if she did love me, she would have known that sleeping with her boyfriend in my home was just too much.

That said, I will miss her. And I hope that it won't be too painful when I see her with her boyfriend or her next secondary. I actually think some good will come of this. I believe she'll be more careful and that her boyfriend might get over his own jealousy and open up their relationship more. I suspect that she'll have two real boyfriends soon enough. She is nice, creative, and attractive. She might not know this, but many people come up and compliament her.

The sad thing is that my feelings had to be hurt in order to make her relationship open and grow. I will be happy for her when she gets what she wants, but I will also be sad that she and her boyfriend didn't make the effort for me.

-=-

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