2000-11-19 - 21:43:21

It is time I admitted something to myself that I know and those who know me know, but I also try and deny.

I do love Spring. I talk about her a great deal (here it might seem less often because the time I spend with her usually wears me out, plus I've been living a hell life since Sept.).

I'm not ready to talk about my relationship with her ... I will, but not today. I will say this much, she had a boyfriend and for a long time considered me an affectionate friend (which to her means something different than it does me). She considered this a good thing.

I've talked about relationships too much.

I've cried this weekend too much.

I've just simply too weak emotionally too do much of anything right now (except maybe try and capture some of this hear in my diary).

She Spring left for the Bay Area today, I don't know what she was thinking on her drive home. I've driven from the Bay Area at times and it is a very long and loney drive. Something anybody who does it frequently can understand.

But something that was told to me is stuck in my head (paraphrased):

Two people can love each other, but if their expectations of what they want out of their relationships are different, sometimes their relationship can't be.

That wasn't it exactly, but I realized this weekend that I do _want_ Spring to be there for me emotionally and under some circumstances without me questioning. Let's call these places (and I do mean physical places) "homes" or "safe places".

I found out I don't have a home or safe place.

Nothing was done purposefuly to hurt me. Simple put, other people's wishes came above mine. And that is how poly relationships are. They just are.

But to realize that this is going to be a common thing (namely other people's ... and I do mean more than one ... needs coming above mine) is something I'm just not emotionally ready for.

I still think I am poly minded. I still think I _do_ share. I still think I'm incredibly open minded.

But ... despited my love of Spring, it isn't strong enough that I will agree to be a "secondary" to her. This is what she described and wants. This is what her boyfriend considers his limit. But even in the short term, just such a relationship is going to hurt me just as much as I was hurt this weekend in my safe place.

Sadly right now I hear Spring and her boyfriend both reading this (well Spring at least) and thinking ... "He doesn't understand! He is so hateful."

Spring understands my hurt and is in the worst possible position, that of having to be honest and fight for her right to form _2_ relationships the way she wants.

But I don't think she understood just how much hurting I've had. I woke up several times last night and all I could do is cry. I've done it in front of her as well.

I'm afraid ... that is really what keeps running through my mind. About what is and what will be.

-=-

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