2000-10-11 - 7:58:14

Well, I talked to Spring last night. Actually she called me, I don't think I would have had the couarge to phone her up ... I appreciate this.

I don't know what to make of the conversation. In a way I feel better, and in a way I feel worse.

Spring continually is angered by how she sees me comparing people. Now the hard part is that she does also enumerate or put people into orders / ranks. She says she doesn't, but she does, she just comes up with different words.

Now this is something most people do, I know I do. But she just can't understand how this bothers me so much.

The good things about last night:

I think she now understands how lying to me hurt so much. I don't think she saw this before last night, but I do think she now knows.

She said she was very sorry and I think (I want to talk to her more about this) that she won't do this again.

I understand her fear. The truth is we both care for each other a lot more than we like to admit to others and ourselves. And we both are afraid that the way we each are is not good enough for the other. I know I'm willing to change and grow, and I half think she is. But I also know she has and is willing to continue to wait.

I have this feeling that she was wanting several things last night:

First, for me to say I forgave her. I didn't say it, but not because I haven't. I just don't know that I can forgive her until she forgives herself. And I'm afraid that it might mean two different things to us.

Actually, her mistake, which still was a big one, is something I'll remember and will take time to heal, but it also isn't a reason to end our relationship if we work on it.

But I think she was thinking something else. Do I think less of her now? Yes and no.

I don't think she has accepted the fact that the next time she tells me something that there will be doubt in my mind. She said her fear was that something she would do would hurt me. What I want to know is that she'll try harder to not hurt me, but when something happens (and things always happen) that she'll trust me enough to first say, "I need to talk, but not right now." And then tell me what happened.

I know she will do this. She said she would, and I do trust her in this.

-=-

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