2000-10-11 - 11:19:42

Hmmm, this diary has been busy.

I got another email from Spring, and I figured I would put my thoughts here, but first I'll explain why here.

I read her diary and I know her friends read it too. It means a lot to me to know that the people she cares most about know how important we are to each other. Somehow I've felt when she shares with others, that there is something more.

I know this isn't true to her, that she doesn't need to show off people, but it is how I get a sense of belonging. As if it is helps to make me part of a group, which is something there are times I long for this.

I talk about her a lot, and unfortunately it is often by name and not always good. When she does this about me, I'm hurt. I've done the same to her.

I really want people to know how important she is to me. I want Spring to know this too.

I spend a lot of time working my schedule around and not doing things with other people, so I can spend time with her or help her.

What happened this weekend was bad for everybody involved.

It is something that Spring and her boyfriend will come through strong and OK. It is something that I so much want for Spring and me to also come through stronger.

I think in my pain and confusion, that I may have lost Spring. She turned to her boyfriend and spent much of the weekend talking with him and working things out. My friends were spread out and away, and Spring sounds very hurt that I've talked with them ... and she has every right.

What I've not told her is people like my brother pointed out that he isn't me and that he knows that while I might have been mad at her, when we were talking, he also pointed out how much she means to me and that his advice is only based on the bad things. Does he hate her? Not at all. He said he would give me some advice that might make her sound bad, but he said she is my friend and he didn't want me on the defensive.

What does that mean? It is good. He was right, and that I didn't want him to say bad things about her. If he did, I would defend her.

How does he know this? My sister broke up with her boyfriend about 2-3 months ago. He basically said he never loved her and this really hurt her (we all can understand that). My brother tried to tell her that her ex was a creep and immature, but she then questioned why she cared for him ... and got defensive.

My brother said that I'd do the same thing. That I cared enough about her that his only advice really was to just spend time away from her.

I do love Spring. She reminds me that what I say and do don't always point to this. I really wish Spring would take the time to talk to Cricket or Redwood. They both would tell her just how much I talk about her, about how I'm always rushing to do things with her, and how I ask for them for advice all the time. They could show her things I do, but I can't repeat for her when she is around.

I really don't want to loose her, but this morning it sure sounds like I drove her away.

I'll live, but I really want her to be a big part of my life. I hope she sees this ... and maybe I can still do things to make things right with her. I just need her to help me find ways to do just this.

I also have never hated her. Been hurt or upset, yes. Hate, not once.

-=-

<< previous - next >>