2000-10-10 - 19:31:32

I'm so drained.

I should have gotten plenty of sleep ... 2 AM til 7 AM, 5 should be enough. But I couldn't sleep too well.

And I've had plenty of good food, a by product of a teriaki (sp?) seasoning in the food my mom makes. She probably noticed I eat more of that than other stuff.

Agh ...

So I had a major phone presentation today at work. It went pretty good. The model wasn't telling everybody what they wanted to hear so they ignored it. That is fine, I think it has a few issues to based on how I was running it.

I wish I had the energy and time to explore this further.

So Redwood took me to lunch as well as a morning break today to talk about things. I talked with my boss some too, her comment was I have a lot more patience than she does. She said she gives people just one shot with honesty in relationship issues. I think she has been were I'm at.

And no, it is not a monogomaous thing at all. That is so wrong to suggest it is. It is all about communication and honesty.

Being lied to hurts. There is _no_ acceptable reason. To pretend or demand that there is just isn't something I am going to put up with. It is mean and unhealthy.

I can't look another potental gf in the eyes and assure her that I'm totally safe, because there always will be some doubt now. Well at least until I go and verify this myself.

That is the nature of trust ... when you lie to somebody you might think you're making things better in the present, but you are doing so by completely throwing away the future.

Tonight I have surveying class. Thursday I have surveying class.

I just want to rest and then start over.

I was at Deathguild last night. Deception has been suggesting a few CDs from this Mexican Industrial group called Hocico. EBM actually.

It was funny on Saturday night. Cricket and I were looking at some Love is Colder than Death CDs. I grabbed one for her and Deception and the other rivetheads screamed. Deception thought it was for me. He is really funny, because he then pointed out half a dozen other CDs I need, a few which I had already. But he is totally trying to keep my EBM collection growing ... this is good.

It is weird, because he is very nice to me. I don't know why. The guy rivetheads are all totally cool to me. The rivet chicks ... the SF ones are pretty cruel with one exception, and she was really nice last night at Death Guild. But the out of town rivets are all super cool towards me. I like this.

I'm still mad, still hurt, but I'm just so damn tired of it all. The problem isn't me ... I wasn't misleading people nor breaking promises.

I really just need to surround myself with mature people whom I can trust and with whom I know they won't hurt me. I also expect people to take responsibility for their actions, not to look for faults in others (namely me). I'm tired of being told I'm immature or young. I'm not. Everything I do I do and know that my actions effect me and others. I make my own living, not necessary doing ideally what I'd like, but it is honest and I can stand on my own.

It is not good, but I'm not looking forward to tonight. I just don't know how to do this and I will need help. I'm not certain it is right, but my friends seem to think it is best for me to be with somebody who's actions show she cares about me. I have been told I deserve better ... at first I refused to listen, they don't / can't know. But I just don't know if they are wrong anymore.

I'm sick of being a pawn or game piece. Of being that security blanket or closet thing.

-=-

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