2000-10-10 - 05:27:28

OK, so it is possible to drive at 90 mph while in tears, for an hour.

I think this mornings shock is finally wearing off and I am begining to realize a few things ...

I have been hurt a great deal. Life really is so unfair for one person (me in this case) to have worked so hard to build both an understanding and a stable healthy relationship, and for another to just toss it away on sex on the fly and then lie about it.

I realized driving home that I don't see how I could be so wrong about a person. I cared deeply for her, but it is obvious that she didn't love me enough to consider my feelings. She wasn't bringing a part of me in her thoughts with her and didn't respect me enough to not start things.

I still can't accept that fact that every woman I've really cared about has done exactly this to me. In this case I trusted her ... she told me something like this is why she broke up with her last boyfriend, which made me think she understood how painful not being honest about who you fuck is important.

There are so many things ... but I'm still hurting because there really isn't any trust. I don't find I believe her anymore and I will always doubt what she is telling me.

Many people in their relationships come to this point, but this is what _really_ hurts.

How could she have been so mean to mislead me to think I did something wrong and how could I have misjudged her character?

Am I that bad a judge of character? Am I unhealthy?

I couldn't help but look back, and yeah, there were some things in the past I didn't like either. They were signs that my folks and friends told me to look out for, but I thought I touched something safe.

Funny how trust was the most important thing to me.

I really need to talk to my friends, and I did talk to my brother, whos advice has always been sound after he broke off his engagement. Funny how that matured him a great deal.

I'm still in shock ... I can't believe that I had no say or control here. OK, so our relationship was informal, but I still had rights. And my feelings, my trust was broken.

It is funny, I got home and the messages on my answering machine were from StGrl and Cricket. StGrl wants to scene with me, but I now have a hard time understanding why people like to do this kind of stuff. A day ago I did ... but I need a break from anything I associate with her. The funny thing is StGrl wanted me to actually be a demo on Nov. 15 in extreme bondage for a professional class ... they needed a male. Yesterday I would have jumped at this, but I think I'll pass on it.

And then Cricket called. I so much want to phone her ... perhaps I will. But I don't want her to hear me cry. I do trust her, which I guess is the real ray of hope her. I'm not embittered towards all women, but I am going to be guarded and I am going to need help to heal.

Funny thing is I wonder if this has anything to do with my other issues. I wonder if part of me saw this. I don't think so, but the thought is still there.

No message from anybody else, which kinda tells me how important I am. And I shouldn't be expected to say or do anything. I didn't hurt anybody or risk anything, so I don't see how I need to do anything but protect myself now. I'll see, hopefully Cricket will talk some sense into me.

-=-

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