2000-10-09 - 14:41:43

I feel terrible.

I had my last seismic class, work is killing me right now ... I make it sound like it isn't, but it is, I spend a wonderful night and day with Cricket (she even took me to a sex shop where I got a toy for myself), but a friend lied to me and assumed too much.

I don't know what to do or say really.

I'll go ahead and be detailed because right now I don't know what is going on.

It starts like this basically:

I had a wonderful weekend with Spring last week. I thought things were going so well. Apparently they weren't between the two of us. We have a relationship, she'll admit that, but not an equal one. She calls it an affectionate friendship, personally I think it just is her way of calling me her secondary, which is exactly how I feel. That is to say she __does__ treat me less importantly than her boyfriend and she __does__ have stronger feelings for him.

That is just life, I don't like it because I do really wonder when people will care about me.

But basically she told me that she and her boyfriend agreed she wouldn't have intercourse with anybody else, but they were working on it. I took that to mean that it was something she was working for our relationship.

My dad goofed up and was using my AOL IM account and confused Spring into thinking he was either me or my mom (who doesn't use computers at all), so I told Spring I was going to spend time with Cricket. And I'm glad I did, but I really think I need to spend more time with her and much less with Spring until she starts to treat me a bit better ... yes, I'm still really hurt, though it is hard to tell this to her when she is crying. Anyway I told Spring I'd call her before Cricket and I went to Shrine.

On Saturday after a long class of feeling very stupid and realizing that I'm not going to pass my engineering exam my class ran way late and I had to rush to the train station to pick up Cricket. I met her and we went to a Korean resteraunt. But we were late to Shrine, so I didn't call Spring.

This is not a big deal. Spring has flaked out on me before and told me that __I__ need to learn to just move on. Shrine was one of the best nights I've had there, and I'll talk about that more when I'm not upset. Thanks Cricket, you really made it fun too.

But when I checked me emails Sunday morning, Spring was very mad at me for not phoning her. She said "Grumpy". She totally made me feel like I flaked on her, when in reality I know that this last entire weekend that if her boyfriend wanted to do something with her, she'd have flaked on me.

That is where this is coming too. She does constantly make her schedule around his and gets grumpy if I'm not there as a backup.

But now I find out that on Saturday night, she went and had sex with some other guy I don't even know even after laying a guilt trip on me.

So my Sunday with Cricket was damped ... because I felt guilty, and here Spring had gone and done exactly what she told me she couldn't do ... fuck somebody other than her boyfriend.

I've been seeing Spring since March. We've really been working on our communication and it is very hard to know that you'll always be "secondary" to somebody else and be reminded of this. But for Spring to go to a party and fuck some other guy who isn't me (we've not done this yet), really hurts.

I know I shouldn't write this, and Spring, only three people I know actually read this diary ... they would have heard from me, so I don't think you can get mad at me for this. Not because of what you've done, but because you should trust me that the people I tell about this diary are trusted friends and only want me to be happy.

I really feel lied to:

(1) Spring told me no fucking, but went ahead and did it.

(2) She made me feel bad for not making the time to call her, when in my heart I know she wanted to be with her boyfriend first.

(3) When I did call her and asked, she told me they all just fell asleep ... she did lie, even though on the phone later she claimed she didn't.

The first two lies just hurt. They hurt really bad. The last one is what troubles me. That she would tell me over and over on the phone that she wasn't misleading me all Sunday about what happened when I did ask.

:( It is hard to understand. I know she cares about me, but I've had two girlfriends and both of them cheated on me. It is a really disturbing pattern. I don't ask much, I'm just not aggressive with them because I respect them as more than fuck toys. And the end result is some other guy screws them and I always hear the same fucking thing "I was thinking about you".

I don't like it. It doesn't make sense. I've fooled around with other women and told them I won't have sex, because I'm not ready. That is part, but I also don't want drama to result. There are a few people I'd screw, but only because I have __asked__ everybody or would ask everybody to make sure everybody's feelings are OK.

It was hard.

I wanted to phone Spring before her exam, but I knew it would make her feel bad.

But frankly, she hasn't been thinking about my feelings. I honestly think she does want a stable relationship with me. I'd love to call her my girlfriend. And I'd love for her to call me her boyfriend. Fuck that, I've already bought some of her birthday gifts and I had one friend from work talk me out of going overboard.

Everything she does in relation to me seems carefully planned as though she is perparing me. This much is good. But what I don't like at all is how she is afraid to admit to me that she is doing this. It is as if telling me will hurt her boyfriend. If that is it, I can respect that, because one of the reasons I care about her and that I trusted her was because I thought the caution and respect she gave him would be how she treated me.

Anyway, I hated it, but I had to phone her. I don't want to end our relationship because of this, but I do have issues here too. Every woman I have a relationship with eventually breaks my trust this way and messes around with some other guy.

My first girlfriend didn't even tell me about it. I found out from a friend. My second did, and we worked past this. Other issues about how she would yell about people and wouldn't let me do silly things like sit next to the window seat eventually made it to where I wasn't interested in her.

The difference here is Spring told me she couldn't fuck anybody and she did. I was hoping one day that would be me, but what I tried to tell her and couldn't is things are different now. :( She isn't the same person ... I can't trust her the same anymore. Some reason and she did try to explain, it just didn't make sense, it is OK for her to fuck somebody she calls a friend, but it isn't OK for her to fuck her affection friend and somebody she has been working with to build a stable long term relationship.

My trust has been violated, and my self image shattered. I'm OK to be everybody's friend, but not a fuck toy.

To change things around, there is this guy, PolitiGoth, who is all over every cute girl he sees. All of them ... it really gets old. Especially when he gets mopey because he doesn't have a breast in hand. He is nice to women, but he is greedy. Anyway, he isn't bad looking, he has long hair and for some reason girls like that. It is strange, because I love short hair on a girl, because I find hair just gets in the way of things ... yes, hair everywhere.

Anyway, at Shrine I got jealous when he started giving Cricket a back rub. Cricket has a boyfriend, and I did once tell her that I am physically attracted to her. Still am. And I care about her too. I wouldn't spend so much time with her if I didn't. And I wouldn't talk about her to my other friends so much if she wasn't important to me. I value our friendship, but Spring has taught me that you can play around with friends ... so at Shrine I was jealous when the PolitiGoth was playing (innocently) with Cricket.

Then this. Two women whom I'm very interested in apparently find I can be a friend, but neither wants to "risk" that friendship with me, but one of them did risk this friendship by breaking my trust with her. The other just got a back rub ... I'd have done the same, and if I told Cricket it bothered me, I know for certain she would have refused it.

But I'm still a bit confused. In the case of Spring how do I know the time spent means something when she is willing to do something she knows will hurt my feelings? Spring knew about my previous girlfriends cheating on me. I told her. Now Spring says we are just affectionate friends, but this is hard to understand. You can fuck a friend, but not an affectionate -or- maybe me.

And how will I know that Spring isn't telling me nothing happened or making me feel guilty when something did happen?

And why does she need to be tested for sexually transmitted diesases now? She told her boyfriend she wore protection. I believe that ... but why is he making her get tested? Does he not believe me? I've fucked just one girl in my life. And she was a virgin, that is a pretty easy thing to know at the time (and it was a fun surprise ... I actually knew something about sex that she didn't ... although she didn't know how to make me orgasm at all). And I've not so much as fingered but two other women. My first girlfriend and then Spring.

I've given blood and had tests with my standard physicals. None of these turned anything up, and I don't do drugs. There is just no way.

:( I'm still very lost ... I could forgive Spring, and I don't hate her, but the bottom line is she still cares more about her boyfriend than me. And I really appreciate her always sayings things might change, but without some basic trust ... I can't believe that.

Will I stop being intimate with her? That depends. If we become just fuck buddies (not what I want at all). The truth is I realized that I do want a committeed relationship with Spring. I'm tired of her feeling more and putting her boyfriend first. I'm not mad at either of them, but I can't have my emotions subject to or hurt by her fucking some stranger and not me.

I'm tired of only beeing friendship material.

I will be friends with people first, always. But the bottom line is I need somebody who cares about me. And that somebody needs to __not__ fuck other people when it is going to hurt my feelings. I shouldn't have to ask myself why she will risk two relationships and fuck somebody she calls just a friend, and not fuck me. I don't want to be a security blanket or backup.

I feel like a spare tire. I mean Spring's diary (her thoughts) were all about how she has to work things out with her boyfriend. How people were asking at the party why he wasn't there. She mentions me somewhat, but not much. Certainly not by name. I know when she is talking generically about me, but I also want her to not "hide" me and her feelings for me from her friends. And she does.

And the minute her boyfriend gets grumpy and bails on her, she turns to me. I can't always be there, but she tells me she is upset or grumpy at me. But that is not right at all. It is his fault, not mine. Everytime I've planned ahead, I've been there. And I try not to be grumpy.

Well, I won't go to Bound this week. I told a few DJs I would, but I don't want to prevent or lie that everything is OK between Spring and me. It isn't. Not by a long shot.

And the stupid thing is I didn't do anything! :( If anything I've tried to be understanding and not force the issue much, but she did and purposefully hurt my feelings. I asked her if maybe deep down inside if she is purposefully trying to scare me off.

There are things we always talk about doing, but she does with other people first. Constantly. At first I assumed and was told it was because I just wasn't there, but she easily could have had screwed me last week. But she did it with some other guy ... and I don't want to see the GGPET crowd right now either, since they were all there.

It is weird. I used to be friends with many GGPET people, but my relationship with Spring has strained that relationship with a few people. And Spring introduced me to the rivet crowd in SF, whom I didn't know. But now the rivet crowd is begining to really accept me more and more.

Springs boyfriend only had a promise broken to him ... I can't get over the fact that I had a promise broken (trust shattered) as well as an indirect message that she is willing to be reckless and not careful around people other than me.

Maybe that is why he wants her to be tested? Maybe she is more reckless? How can I give my emotions or physically security to somebody who isn't thinking about these things.

Something Cricket would ask me right now is "What do you want Spring to say?" "What do you want the outcome of this situation to be."

The child in me would say, "I don't want this to ever have happened. I would have wished that Spring would have talked to me first. I would have wished that I was the guy she fucked *after* we talked about it. And I wish she'd be honest with her feelings and mine and admit that she is slow with me because she does care."

But realistically her actions this weekend point to her being torn. She appreciates my emotions but I really do think she want just people to have sex with, only when her boyfriend isn't around. And that she might be mad at me (even though she says she isn't) because she knows I put more emotional attachment with intercourse. I don't judge her by how she feels about that. But I still am terribly hurt that she can fuck a friend knowing it will hurt me and her boyfriend, but she can't fuck me. She'd still have explored that ... but I'm just basically a big mess. :(

I really need to talk to friends ... I might have made things worse, but I told Spring I wouldn't break up over this ... but I'm not so sure.

Cricket, I don't want to break up with her over this, but this is just not a healthy relationship. I have few if any promises, and I really only have __1__ say in this relationship: yes or break up. That is about it. Timing is really something determined by Spring and her boyfriend. That isn't a solid basis for a relationship.

She really messed things up this weekend, and I'm really afraid when I see her next that I'll break in tears. She used to be somebody I knew would tell me everything, but she admitted to holding things back.

She just isn't safe anymore, and mostly in that emotional sense. She wants our relationship to be something that works for her.

I'm glad that I have Friday nights free again. I can dance with Cricket and Redwood in Sacramento. I need to dance more. And I have other friends I must spend time with.

The stupid thing is I know that Spring has intercourse all the time with her boyfriend. Hell, she even suggested that she does this as a make-up thing from arguements and did recently.

It isn't the intercourse that bothers me. But the fact that she'd lie about it at first, and that I thought she'd do it with me first because of our close relationship. Nothing changed in a week, but she felt she couldn't fuck me, but could fuck somebody else.

I'm left wondering how many people she will have sex with when I'm not around. How careful she really be. How can I physically trust somebody who isn't concerned about my emotions or puts other people's emotions above my own? The reverse is true too.

I place great importance ... maybe too much ... on the connection of intercourse between physical and emotional trust.

Again Cricket, when you ask me what I want Spring to say, it isn't what I want her to say anymore. I don't believe in words as much as actions. I want Spring to _show_ me that she does care about me and I want her to show me how she'll remember to do things with me in mind.

I don't have any right to force her to be this way, but I also don't have to do anything with her privately if she doesn't do this.

I still wonder selfishly that it might be nice to be just club / fuck buddies. We'll see each other every now and then, and do whatever, but we can be as reckless as we want. But I also know for a fact that this just isn't me.

-=-

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