2003-10-29 - 1:21 p.m.

Tight Rope

2nd Entry Today

Lately my friendship with Redwood has been strained. Though I'm guessing he reads my diary, he may not. Long ago I asked him to, but in the past year I've grown to think of this diary as mine and more private. I don't mind people reading my diary. In fact, I like to think that if they can learn something from me (the same way I sometimes learn from others), that I can be more of myself elsewhere.

But I've also been afraid of him assuming that some of the things I write apply to him. For the most part, not much has. Instead I like to focus on how things make me feel. My diary isn't supposed to be a record of other people's lives, but naturally as people's paths intersect, those intersections will change how I feel about things.

Anyway, lately I've been concerned for him, but also trying to not butt in stuff that isn't my business. This is a hard thing for me to do, and I've felt as if I've failed at this several times in the past few months.

But what I've not told him is I feel like he has been failing me too. He has said lots of little things lately that hurt. And occasionally some big things that hurt all the more.

But after a while, all of the little and big things add up. He said something that I'm guessing he has been thinking for some time about me. It made me wonder why he once called me his friend. He doesn't trust me. Not for a minute. And I just don't see the point of a friendship where you don't trust the person. Furthermore, he isn't fun to hang out with anymore, and that times he makes me feel angry and other times very sad. This doesn't mean he is a bad person, but he isn't right for me. Basically we've drifted so much apart since Europe.

Originally I was supposed to give him a ride to a club on Thursday night, but I told him he should get his own ride because I want distance for some time. The reality is I'm gonna have to feel things out, but when I see him lately all that runs through my mind is I've already lost a good friend.

-=-

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