2003-04-04 - 10:59 a.m.

The Dream Has Changed, The Dream Remains the Same

When I was in college (both as an undergrad and grad student), I frequently had a dream where I was sent back to high school. Throughout the dream I'd argue, "But I've already graduated college! I don't belong here!" But nobody would care. They'd tell me that since I never graduated from high school, that I had to complete my senior year in order for college to count.

The Truth

It is fuzzy if I really ever did graduate high school. I have a high school diploma, and I was asked to leave. But when I was a senior in high school, I was hospitalized during finals week and unable to attend my high school graduation. I was released from the hospital the day of graduation, and my mother and girlfriend carried me to watch the graduation from the stadium seating. But I wasn't part of the group.

I was so weak, that I fell asleep in the middle of the "A's". When I woke up again they were in the "H's" and I asked my mom and girlfriend to take me home. I was just so incredibly tired and weak that there was no point in being there. The funny thing, of all my high school memories, this one is the weakest. It is impossible to describe how little I can remember from May 1990 through August 1990.

The next week I went to school to ask my teachers about my finals. All of them, every single one, said they just penciled in an "A" for my final exam and final grade for the course and then said, "Congratulations and it is good to see you walking again."

When I left my graduation during the "H's", I had no way of knowing that when my name was called that the Principal (whom I worked for ... another story there) had not only called my name, but also told everybody that I was admitted to the hospital the week before and unable to attend. Apparently there was a standing ovation. Or at least that is what I was told.

Fastfoward

For years I've felt like I never really graduated from high school. The dreams seemed to make some sense. But last night I had the same old theme with a new twist: I'm back in grad school, but living in the dorms with undergrads. However, it is the middle of finals, and I'm enrolled in some classes I never even stepped foot in. Anxiety. Ugh.

I tried and tried to drop the classes, but was told I couldn't. I argued, "But I never even wanted to take these classes. I've already got a few degrees."

LISTENING TO: Hocico Untold Blasphemies

-=-

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