2002-08-26 - 10:10 a.m.

Unconditional Love: Why Do I Allow Her to Get Me Down?

This weekend was busy and really should have been a good one. But two emotional events really have done nothing but make me sad and regretful.

Saturday I returned my cats to my folks. I�m going to miss them. They really were two sweet cats and unconditionally loved me. More than that, the second event is going to make me miss them even more. I�ll even miss it when Howie barfs on my carpeting or takes a dump in my hallway just because I didn�t play with him all night long. Most of all, I�m going to miss it when I would try and write on my PC and Texas Kitty would come up and bat my nose with her paw. :( I�m just so very sad today.

What Did I Do Wrong?

Minmei showed up at Shell�s performance Saturday night. That was really awkward. She hasn�t made a single effort to talk to me since she walked out on me at a club back in Jan. In fact, she was cold throughout the night towards me, and there were less than 10 people in what turned out to be a very private concert. She and Shells are friends, but Shells tries to not let their friendship get in the way of our friendship.

The part that really hurt at Shell�s place was when Minmei borrowed Shell�s boyfriend�s camera and started taking individual pictures of everybody but me. Oh, she�ll tell you she got a picture of me: she quickly took a shot of the back of my head. Apparently she hates me so much that only the back of my head is worthy of taking pictures of.

Her boyfriend did ask me how I was feeling and was interested to see if I�m getting better. I am. Aside from being out of shape, the pain from this spring and early summer is now gone. Torsion is over, even if it was the most painful experience of my life.

Yesterday Redwood and I were at my folks and ran trains out around the pool all day long. It was fun. But even things I enjoy can�t really help me out of thinking how rude my ex was. Throughout my pain, she really showed no sign of really caring or taking an interest in me. And to think that at one time she claimed that she unconditionally loved me. I just see nothing of that love in the way she treats or thinks of me now.

Noise Concert

Last night after Redwood left my folks, I went across the Bay to see Imperative Reaction, Proyecto Mirage, and Mono No Aware. The show was supposed to start at 9 PM, but the first act, Mono No Aware, didn�t start until after 10 PM. Mono No Aware was great! Proyecto Mirage had some huge technical problems throughout their show, but again, loads of fun. I stomped up a serious ass sweat.

But Minmei was at this show as well. :( Again, it bothers me that when we dated, she hated EBM and the power music I tried to get her interested in. She never flat out said my musical tastes sucked, but she never really respected me or the mixes I made for her. She did say my comp disks were bad. That of course hurt, as she knew then that music was and is important to me. So when did she develop an interest in this kind of music? I thought for sure I could go to a club without seeing her. But she was there and again totally ignored me.

There isn�t anyway I can change this. I will never talk to her again, because of all the thoughtless things she has done to me over the years, walking out that last time really was the final straw. She seems plenty happy at these clubs and I�m guessing is fine taking pictures of my back and telling people �I don�t know his name� or just walking up and talking to people whom are my friends and ignoring me. I just wish that something would happen that would have her move away from the Bay Area. She holds the honor of being the single most hurtful person in my life, but manages to show up everywhere I go, even when I�ve sworn off going to many events to avoid her. Hell, I stopped all my BDSM stuff to get the hell away from her, but she keeps showing up everywhere.

I have no reason to believe she�d respect my space, but I still wish I had it.

LISTENING TO: Proyecto Mirage Two Tons of Rubble

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