2002-01-21 - 11:20 p.m.

Electro Lounge

Friday night I drove down to San Francisco with the hopes that the girl I met last month would be upstairs in the Electro Lounge at one of the monthly clubs. I figured it was a good bet as we met there (and her boyfriend was one of the DJs).

Lucky or Unlucky

I'm not sure if I should be happy that she was there or not. Mostly I am, and it turns out that when she got there, she immediately ran onto the dance floor and gave me a huge hug. We danced for a bit, she handed me her drink, and we talked.

There is something about her that is so disarming. I've not felt this way about a woman in a long time. I certainly have had physical feelings for many people and then I've had emotional feelings for others, but this is both. In fact, this is exactly how I felt about my previous girlfriend. Which in and of itself is something that worries me. That relationship ended very poorly.

So this new girl (I'm afraid to name people before I feel like they are going to play a reoccurring role in my life) really had me relaxed. She had me forgetting all my problems. I really wanted to tell her this before she left too, because I needed that.

It is weird though, as while I was ranting about how sweet she was (and yes, I want to point out that guys like sweet girls long before we like mean ones) to Redwood (whom I tell everything), she apparently was telling her boyfriend about me. The problems are: (1) they don't have an open relationship, and (2) he was not happy.

Now when I talked to her last time, the two of them were arguing before I started talking to her. And after she talked to me, they were again arguing.

Every piece of advice anybody has ever given me is to not be a relationship wrecker. I do not want to turn into Mixer. The guy is an utter asshole. He doesn't care about anybody but himself, but fortunately for him, he surrounds himself with a bunch of people who understand this, and as his own best friend told me, "Everybody in the [industrial] scene cares only for himself or herself first." I hate that type of thinking.

So I wanted to let this girl know how I felt about her. Perhaps it would help if I wrote what she had to say about me. First, I was talking about how I needed to buy presents for Cricket and when I told her, she screamed that she had exactly what I wanted and wish she could get them to me by this weekend. I told her I didn't want her giving away sentimental things for a guy she hardly knew, but she insisted that there was something about me that was genuine, sincere, sweet, and positive. These also were the same exact things that my ex, and later Spring, Shells, and Crimson have all told me repeatedly.

Warrior, Worker, and Religious Castes

In the Babylon 5 series, one race of aliens, the Mimbari were divided into three castes. Each served a unique function for their society and has a unique outlook on life. This is not much different from how our own society works, but admittedly is an oversimplification.

I've always felt that I have elements of each of the three Mimbari castes in myself, but the truth me told, I was born into the Warrior caste. My father was a USMC officer, and all three of my grandfathers served during the Second World War. Similarly, most all of my male relatives have served for either the United States, Poland, or one of the British countries. I myself had a nomination to the US Air Force Academy, but I did not get the appointment (an astronaut's son beat me out in the end).

Nonetheless, I was raised to think military. Duty, honor, service above all else, and yet I am still cautious in nature and quick to respond to situations, in a very authority driven way. But that is where the military (read brat) upbringing in me ends.

Because while my father and mother's family would no doubt be classified as warrior caste, my mother has always had a very subtle way of dealing with things. Both my parents are exceptionally handy, but I can remember as a child that my mom would give me math problems in the summer and struggled to help to learn to read. Her attention to details was and is amazing. We'd loose little Star Wars figure guns all the time, and yet she never vacuumed them.

But what other people have to say, what they think has always been more important to me than being the first to do something or than paying attention to all the same details (a worker trait). Thinks too much is how my kid sister characterizes me, and she isn't at all wrong.

Spring really pushed me to my limit, by treating me so poorly. But it was when she finally told me that I was vulnerable that she hit a nerve. Those of the religious caste are perhaps even harder working than warriors and workers. Warriors are trained by others to give their lives. Workers are typically driven by others to do so. Religious caste will only do so when they are convinced by themselves. (Here I'm thinking of the Buddhist monks that would set themselves on fire in protest to Vietnam.)

Of course I'm oversimplifying things here, but I'm very afraid right now that all of these women are seeing the same thing in me. That they see perhaps the same vulnerable boy that Spring did.

And while I don't want to start a relationship with somebody whom I am interested in and whom I believe would treat me right, but doing so would destroy another relationship, turning into Mixer or Spring is not the fear that is driven me. It really is the fear that this will all happen again. That I would let down my guard with somebody who is not going to really care about me.

There it is, I'm afraid, but I'm afraid for me. I'm looking at everything right now as it is centered on and around me. Is that right?

-=-

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