2001-12-30 - 7:51 p.m.

We Each Live 2 Lives

It is said that we live two lives. One in which me learn, and another where we must live through all of those mistakes.

Everybody of course makes mistakes, and I�ve made many of my own. But lately I can�t help, but feel that I�m paying for Spring�s mistake as well. It certainly was my mistake to keep giving her chances to hurt me. But I was convinced that she would actually one day see me as somebody whom she cared about. I was wrong.

Saturday night I went to a small club called Smoke and Mirrors. Everything was fine until she and Mixer showed up. I can�t go to even a small club (when larger ones were going on that I avoided) and not see the two of them all over each other. They hardly talk to other people, but just come in, wave at a few people, then sit in a corner together.

Spring never was interested in these clubs when I was going out with her. She also used to dance nearly all night. There have been other changes, but she just isn�t the same person. That happens, but it is when I see her actually publicly displaying affection for Mixer when she swears he isn�t her boyfriend and knowing full well that she never publicly did that with me around when she claimed to love me that hurts.

A Wish

Not too long ago I did make a wish on a star. I wished that one day Spring would turn to me and actually apologize. The entire time we dated she never once said, �I am sorry.� She just can�t accept that she makes mistakes. So instead of learning from them, I feel like I was the one who had to live that second life.

Of course this now is the reason I can�t talk to her. But when she and Mixer showed up at the club I felt sick at my stomach. Lashes quickly came over to hold my hand, but I actually had difficulty standing. I ran for the door trying to not look back at either Spring or Mixer and hid outside with the smokers.

I know that neither of them will ever apologize. Mixer only didn�t respect my space and broke my trust. Spring went much further. She claimed she wanted to throw plates at me and hit me. I don�t understand this kind of violent feeling, and I think anybody involved in BDSM really has no place with those kind of impulses. To make matters worse, days after the incident at the resteraunt, she claimed she still wanted to hit me. It wasn�t a case of her just being angry at the moment (she was made that I called her out for being a hypocrite when she told me to stop sucking my thumb in public). She wanted to hurt me.

She took me for granted, but what hurts the most of this is knowing that somebody still wants to physically harm you and yet claimed she loved you. I know she isn�t going to actually physically harm me with anybody around, but I honestly think she owes me apologies for what she said and for not thinking about my feelings.

It is too Late

Even if she were to apologize, 4 months of her blaming me and me not talking to her means it is over. I won�t ever trust her again. I know that somewhere inside of her she is hoping I will be the one to talk to her again, but how can I? I can�t bear to see her. I certainly don�t feel emotionally safe around her, and I will never place myself physically alone around her.

She never told me about what happened in one of her previous relationships, but she did say he was physically violent. Any time she�d see her ex she�d break down and cry. She blamed him for a lot of things, but it always bothered me to see her tremble when he�d draw near.

I�ve seen his rage too. Once at a club he was throwing coat hangers at a friend of mine while yelling at her. Spring did tell me one of the other things he did to her physically. Something that shocked me and explains much of why she can�t stand to be around him.

But I can�t help but wonder if even in a small way if she became too much like her ex as far as violence is concerned.

For New Years I decided my resolution will be a private one. Basically I�m going to have to convince myself that she doesn�t care for me, and will never apologize. I need to move on, and I hope in two days time to basically not bring her up anymore. I want to be able to go out and not shake. I want to go out and not feel like I need to run away.

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