2001-12-20 - 11:41 p.m.

Lord of the Rings / Love

First, I had the interview today. I'm now a bit depressed and confused. Not because it went poorly, but rather because I feel it went well. I'll write about it later, because frankly there are two more important things on my mind right now.

Second, I saw the Lord of the Rings tonight. I'm a sappy guy. I cried during a few scenes, but the movie floored me. I will see it again, and also talk about it in greater detail.

But first, if you've not read the Fellowship of the Ring go out and do so first. Though others I know have seen the film without reading the book and loved it, I can't help but imagine they'd be even more taken by the story if they had more.

What is so important?

I should be excited about the interview and/or the film. But I realized I have been especially hard on Spring here lately. I've been this way, because she hurt me and continues to by showing no remorse (that I can see) or any sign of feeling a loss (again that I can see). But the truth is she isn't going to clubs or hanging over that DJ because of me. She left me for him, because she was interested in him, and her reason was never to hurt me � that was just something that happened.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive her. I honestly think I shouldn't. She has clearly moved on, so why can't I?

It was during the film that I realized what the problem was. Even though she hurt me, the reason was because I truly loved her. Part of me still does, and another part always will.

I was happy to watch the Lord of the Rings with Redwood, but to be perfectly honest, I think part of the reason I cried during the film was I realized that we did have an emotional relationship. There was little physical relationship, because frankly she just wasn't interested in me that way (part of the reason she wanted to make out with other men in my presence). I found myself wanting: (1) to hold her hand during the film, and (2) her to be there and experiencing the same feeling of awe at the same time.

I know that she didn't like many things I liked. I actually wonder why she ever fell in love with me (though I'm not surprised that she also fell out of love with me). But I cried knowing I was watching something beautiful and meaningful to me, and she'd never experience that with me.

It is as another friend of mine said, time for me to stop feeling for her. She pointed out that I know better, but must now feel that way too. It is hard for people who really were in love to stop feeling, but in time I will.

It is hard though. Even while listening to music I still associate many songs (especially new material) with her. She has no idea how important she was to me and how much it meant to me that we could share music, but she has a DJ to do that with now. I still listen to the mix tapes she made me (though now I own most of the original material). And I've started working on a mix CD for her. But I just don't think I can send it to her.

Part of loving somebody is knowing what is best for them. I'm as bad for her, as she is for me. I just can't really tell that to her or let her know that despite what happened I still love her. She claimed she was the stronger one, but I really have few lovers to replace my affections with, and feel that I've had a much harder time at this. It is nice knowing that some of you will read this and maybe understand where I'm coming from.

LISTENING TO: Wumpscut Wreath of Barbs

-=-

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