2001-11-21 - 10:37 a.m.

My Muse: Delirium and Nausea

I knew dancing Monday night was not a good idea. I was sick at the stomach. I would have taken Tuesday off from work, but I'm behind schedule on a project that was given to me months beyond the deadline (already complained about that in The Kludge). They are now threatening that I may have to come to work on either Thanksgiving, my birthday weekend, or during the week of the VNV show.

How many years must Novembers suck for me. Last year it was my grandfather getting it and drama with Spring. The year before that it was my car dying. The year before, my advisor sat for a month on my thesis. I'm old, I can't remember further back than that. :p

Wanting to Throw Up

So last night, I worked late trying to finish yet another set of model runs. When I got home, I couldn't read, watch TV, anything. I pretty much wanted to ralph. Instead I watched my candles burn and turned in by 10 PM (early for me � way early).

Around 11 PM I realized that there was a song in my head. Lyrics complete with beat and music. It was then that I figured out I've never heard the song. Something in me was actually composing music. I guess I'm so used to having music playing. At work I wear headphones and spin stuff through my CD drive. At home I play my collection through a tiny Sony Discman that is fed into my tiny boombox.

The song won't die. I tried to turn over. Hide my head under my pillow. At one point I asked my blue velvet frog, Mr. Rivet, to make it stop. "Make it STOP!" Yeah, asked is the right word.

Then it donned on me. The song was mine, and actually it ROCKED. This is the first time that I heard something that wasn't somebody else's. Every now and then I'll want to take somebody else's song and remix it. Add something, take away something, and definitely change the emphasis around. But this was a complete EBM piece dancing around in my head.

Well Fuck!

It only was a matter of time. But I don't have any equipment to actually record. And when I woke up this morning at 7:33 AM, the song was gone.

Perhaps it will come back to me. I've even considered finding sick girls, giving them a deep kiss in hopes of recatching my stomach flu.

Haunted Is My Muse

I've never understood why so many artists live tormented lives. Now I can't help but wonder if darker art is inspired by a different sort of chemical balance in the brain. And I honestly believe that balance resides in me, if only at certain times.

LISTENING TO: Love Is Colder Than Death Oxeia

-=-

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