2001-10-21 - 9:03 p.m.

Tears

[3rd update today]

This weekend while talking with a number of people, including Redwood and Alexandra, I heard that my ex-girlfriend was in tears the last time I was at a club where she was at. She goes to parties and clubs almost ever other night (she has no job and her folks pay her bills, so she can afford it). It had been over a month since I stopped talking to her, and I had good reason to do so.

But it struck me wrong that she should cry the first time that I returned to a club in the Bay Area. I never laid a hand on her, nor have I ever said the mean ... no outride insensitive things she has said to me. I've thought them, certainly. But I'm not a mean person.

Anyway, curious about the fact that she was supposedly telling everybody that she was sad things went the way they did, I decided to read her diary. For over a year we read each other's diaries ... maybe I shouldn't have. She never asked me not to read hers. But I read hers ..

I feel so mislead. There wasn't a single entry about me at all. In fact, she seems pretty amazingly happy without me.

This above all things is a reason I shouldn't read her diary. This is a good reminder that she in fact didn't give a fuck about me. And there is no way she was crying at those clubs ... honestly. She is playing that same old game with my emotions, and I'm sitting here in tears, because listening to four different people (one of whom she is now making out with ... her boyfriend's landlord / friend / roommate) tell me she missed me, I thought it might be true.

NEVER AGAIN I can't keep letting people who are supposed to be my friends mislead me. It only hurts and it just makes it all that harder to focus on myself. I guess I'm feeling pretty betrayed by everybody. I tried telling them that she wouldn't have missed me, but a few of them disagreed.

Why did I listen to them? Why did they tell me?

To make matters worse, my leg still massively hurts. Sometime after jogging earlier this week my left leg started aching. It is hard to describe the pain, but I can say that I just want to tear two fists full of muscle out of my leg.

It just isn't fair at all. I've done nothing wrong. I've purposefully gone out of my way not to hurt people's feelings, like Crimson and others. I work out and eat right, and yet my feelings are smashed, people flake out on coming up to visit me, and my leg just won't get better.

I emailed my dom Lashes to tell her I won't be able to make it this weekend to the fetish club. She had called earlier wanting to give me some instructions, but I just don't feel safe with that crowd.

The sad thing is that every year I like to buy gifts for my friends months before their birthdays. Unfortunately I had started getting things for my ex before our fall out, and now I just don't feel right about giving them to anybody. But I'm also the type of person that doesn't believe in destroying things. I just want to take them and leave them on the road so that somebody I don't know will find a better home for them.

-=-

<< previous - next >>