2001-10-12 - 6:52 p.m.

Falling to the Dark Side

Obviously this isn't something that happens just over night. It has been a long time coming, but today at work I realized just how much my feelings for my ex have changed. In the course of a month and a half, I've grown from sadness to pure hatred.

It is so odd too. I've noticed that while Shortround (a lazy worker who tends to take credit for other people's work) just doesn't bug me anymore. And some true dickweeds of goths in San Francisco aren't getting on my nerves either. Oh, they aren't nice people, and I don't respect them. But nothing they do surprises nor hurts me.

And then there is my ex. She is what I'd call a classic gothic princess. She doesn't give a fuck about society nor anything other than who the next boy she is going to be with is. Now I don't have problems with open relationships or wanting to fuck or play around with other people, but looking over my old diary entries and how she has treated me in the past two years, I see that she was lying to me and herself that she loved me.

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

It is a saying I live by. She would tell me she cared, then loved, then just cared about me. But want she did showed that she only really wanted a security blanket. She'd always do the opposite.

little-me wrote in her diary something that I partially agree with: people get into relationships because of their own needs. But her take on that opinion is different than my own. I see nothing wrong with wanting to have somebody there for you. But there is a grey line when you actually use and abuse that person.

Crossing the Line: Hurting People

My ex hurt me when she constantly broke her own word and promises. She just never thought about anybody but her own immediate needs. I understand that a large part of this comes from her insecurities. And it is my fault for not realizing that somebody who doesn't have a job and realistically isn't going to get one, really can't understand what it is like to do things and feel things for other people.

Hatred and Anger Must Not Lead to Violence

My other issue with her was her admission that she wanted to physically hurt me. I know it is bad form to break her confidence and post in my diary that she confided in me that she wanted to hurt me. But here I am and while I'm angry and found last weekend that when I see her face it has become replusive, I don't want to bring a hand to her. I'm much happier just turning my eyes.

It would be easier if we weren't in the same BDSM play group. Lashes phoned me at work today and wanted to arrange a time to scene. Lashes is both a wonderful dom, but more importantly a friend and somebody whom I feel I can talk to. In fact, I'm quite lucky that between my friends (and I have many) that they really do have a more mature perspective. Anyway, I told Lashes that while I want to go to a group play party, I don't feel comfortable around my ex.

If I've gone from love, to friendship, to hate in just a few months, I'm sure she'll be a non-person to me here shortly. I won't go back and change my older diary entries. I actually want to learn from this. For one thing, I'm going to be wary about dating women who still live with their folks. That is probably the starting point.

Dark Side ... yeah, I'm there. But I have no desire ever feel the love or the hate again. I've gotten pretty bad about talking to Crimson, Lashes, or the other cute women whom I regularly talk to.

LISTENING TO: Front Line Assembly's Corroded Disorder

-=-

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