2001-05-26 - 2:56 a.m.

BDSM is not always sex

There is a stereotype that BDSM involves sex, but this isn't always true. For about a year didn't have sex with my last play partner (even though I've found out that everybody thought we were dating and having intercourse). The funny thing is I've had intercourse 5 times. That is it. Not a lot, and I've never once orgasmed during sex.

Somebody whom aggressively pursued my last girlfriend (and she pursued him) told me that he thought we had been an item for a much longer time. I'm pretty uneasy around him, because I wish he would have just been a bit less aggressive. At least slowed down. Ditto for somebody else.

Tonight I went to Big Heart City the venue of a local fetish club. I was hoping to see people whom I probably won't see that often these days. I danced some and then talked to my current dominatrix / play partner. She has been concerned about my work and how I am dealing with the break up. For some reason she thought it was a mutal break up, which it really wasn't in my mind. We don't have sex. She is just a play partner. I don't know why, it just works that way.

Now I'm not saying I want the relationship right now. A month ago I did, but there have been too many mistakes and too much pain. But I don't like how people assumed that my relationship was longer than it was, and that I had an active sex life. I really didn't.

Two girls at the club came up and were flattering me, but I pointed out that I don't ever have strangers (females, I get men often enough) talking to me. They said that I have an "uber" look, especially when I dance. I dance in what many people call a cross between rivet and swirly. I've never seen myself dance, so I couldn't tell you what I really look like. And women have different opinions than men on how I dance. It was nice though to get some compliaments.

These girls both wanted to fuck me and have many times given me standing invites. The problem is (1) I'm not really attracted to them, (2) I can't just fuck somebody without first explaining that I have little sexual experience and won't orgasm. It is just hard.

What I didn't like, was that I wasn't feeling sexual tonight at the fetish club. I really didn't want to touch anybody. OK, after talking with my play partner, I was comfortable allowing her to touch me. In fact, she really wanted to do a public scene.

I'm a submissive

When I say BDSM doesn't have to be about sex, I know what I'm talking about. Tonight I was flogged, caned, chained to a St. Andrew's Cross (mostly naked), and plenty of other things. The scene was great ... though while doing breathe play I did call yellow on being choked.

I totally trust my domme. She takes and aids in many BDSM classes, plays with plenty of other people as a submissive (for some reason switches like me), and has incredible presence.

Knife Play

About one and half years ago I had terrible nightmares about a blonde woman vivisecting me. :( For this reason I was very reluctant to ever play with knives. But my domme loves them and we started off using them to remove candle wax (my most favorite thing ... especially when poured down your butt). But tonight I was kissing her knife and she was really putting me through what most people would call real pain. But her voice is fantastic. She asked me to stand still and focus on her eyes. I did just that. She was looking back at me, and yet knew every curve on my body.

What is weird is we kissed a lot and I used to love kissing. But since I've been told I'm a terrible kisser, I let my self doubt get in the way. It has become a self fullfilling prophecy. :( And for some reason I just had very little sexual drive. Oh I'm a sensation slut (one of the biggest ones actually), but even now I just am not interested in sex.

If anything, I'm very afraid it is going to take me a while to get comfortable enough that I'll actually find another woman sexually attractive. For some reason all I really want now is for somebody to hold me. :/ The irony is that isn't hard to find, but what is putting me off is fears of other people's sexual desires of me. I just can't perform or even feel that spark if I feel they are expecting it from me.

Music

My mind has turned to music. While driving home and most of the time dancing, I couldn't help but ask myself "Why am I not at home?" I can play what I like, dance by myself (which is what I normally do), basically I just haven't been feeling extremely social. And at the same time I have not only been wanting to listen to more music (I find it more interesting than people right now), but I want to start creating it.

Ha, I even sung while typing an email to a friend. I asked her if she has ever been email serenaded before (no reply). Oh well.

OK, I still need to talk about the weird thing from the meeting and just other work stuff. But it is 3:20 AM. I'm tired (you would be too, if you have nipple clamps flogged off your nipples). *snicker*

-=-

<< previous - next >>